Four Ladies

Today again I failed to hail
my object of desire
But three poetic notions nestled there
in my being; Ladies more faithful and fair
And this one too will make it four
Moving on with strength in numbers
Write them all and fear no more

T. North

T. North, or so he's called,
is in my English class.
But T. is not here today.
No, T. is not here today.
Singled out because he offered
repose, refuge from rejection,
yet refrain from reprimand because
rejection? what? did I even try?

Vision Fission

I have a vision,
a dream,
of a backlit table
with a soft green glow
covered in hundreds
of tiny paper rectangles

My Best Weaponry

My best weaponry consists of two inconsequential items
yet of great significance both

A cross necklace I got from my Aunt last Christmas
with leather cords and pewter 't' with equidistant arms
The catch broke off and I replaced it with
a bead of Jade from China
it leaves my neck for 15 minutes a day
hardly enough time for the demons to work their way in

I don't know if she understands how much it means to me
this weight I carry, which is far too heavy and yet too light
Because thank yous have a tendency to meet the mundane
to chat about the weather and how school has been
but never get to the heart of the gift

Then a pocket knife from my ex's late great grandfather
with a dirty cloud swirl and two now-dull blades
that cut too much sod at the Puyallup Fair last summer.
Now the shorter of the two rages through packaging tape
like the tooth of a silent and determined beast
cardboard collapses, meets the baler
but time cannot be cut away

I never met him, received this gift in death
and now the bridge has burned
and I will never know the man
who owned this tool before me
and I am too busy for sorrow

And I am armed, both body and soul
with the best weaponry possible

I'm Far too Sensible for my Own Good

Because what I really want to do is
grab that starcaster and shatter its melodies
into a thousand pieces
watch them bounce and burn as shrapnel ignites
like entering the atmosphere

I want to punch through the drywall and
hope that it leaves me bruised and bloody
to feel the rush of pain that I feel inside
to bleed from my fingers
like they were tendrils of my broken heart
and my television screen is just ****ing asking for it

I hate you, God
because this life you've given me has turned
so sour, like milk left out too long
I hate you even though it was me
it was me
it was me, I cry
I'm the one that left it there, on the counter
to rot and decay like
Oh God, I didn't mean that
not a single word
I want to talk to someone, I just want to be heard

I want to cry, but
this milk hasn't even spilled

**** this life, this work towards nothingness
The lady who walked away, content,
a new digital camera and replacement plan in tow
There are no words to match the curses of my soul
and I can't remember
have I used the images of brokenness and blood?
I have? Then there's no recourse for you but to
label me
call me names that sting not because they hurt
but because you're not listening
you're not paying attention to the woes of my heart
oh my heart
I've used that too?
I'd ask you but I'm not sure that you'd know
what I should do

I'm far too sensible for my own good

One Million Dollar$

"What would you do with a million dollars?" he asked.

I thought for a while.
I thought a lot of things that other people might think, like traveling the world, or dropping out of school, or starting my own business, or volunteering in some impoverished place, or buying everything I've ever wanted.

But really, the only thing that came to mind was that maybe I'd quit work so that I could focus on school.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wouldn't even do that.

I can't just change my entire life because I fell into a bit of money. Money has no effect on the quality of my life. It doesn't change anything.

If, for example, I traveled the world with my million, making the travel itself the focus of my life, wouldn't that mean that the focus of my life, all these years, has been dependent on the acquisition of wealth?

Or say I dropped out of school. Effectively retired, periodically investing my money so as to gather interest, and... what? Would I just sit at home and read books, watch movies, play videogames?

Maybe I could pay for expensive guitar lessons, and invest my future in making music. Well then, my desire to do that, to be that, is false. I have never once made a serious attempt to get guitar lessons, even though I could afford them without a million dollars. Guitar lessons would be an investment of convenience, not of passion. That's not to say that passions cannot change, that a million dollars doesn't have an effect on the landscape, but still I have deeper to dig.

Say I start my own business. An editing/publishing business. I'd be doing what I love, and I wouldn't have to get a degree to get someone to hire me and work my way up. I could just jump into my passion and start NOW. But then, wouldn't I be saying that I had nothing to learn from school? Is that the case? Is my education such an obstruction that I would avoid it at all cost? Is there no worth to it? Of course there is. I am here to learn. That makes these times learning times. In any case, a proper education helps to secure future investments.

Okay, so I'll volunteer, donate to causes, help people around the world. But then again, aren't I making this a passion of convenience, and not of something that I really want? Don't get me wrong - I have a strong desire to help others. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't get satisfaction out of it. No, the even bigger issue here is that to start helping on the condition of a million dollars says at the same time that the path I am on right now is one that cannot do the same. And I refuse to believe that. In the background of my career pursuits there has always been a mind to aid, even so small as to encourage writing and the producing of other various arts. Translations of works can be sent to countries in the aid of improving literacy. And I would be the moving force behind the power of language to both communicate, teach, support, and reach other people. I do not need a million dollars to do this.

And I do not need a million dollars to buy everything that I want. The list is quite short and relatively inexpensive.

So what would I do with a million dollars?

I don't know. I guess I'd start researching people to give it away to. What would you do?

Everyone Wins

As I sit on my couch and watch the snow fall,
I wonder if you think about me at all.
Did I pass through your life like neutrinos through lead?
Or could it be that it's all in my head?

My back has been watched by the closest of friends
It's stupid to think now that this is the end
The snow is still falling and so are my tears
But crying is something that real men don't fear

The sad part is that in the end it won't matter
You're done and we're done and I must move much faster
I'm moving on
I'm moving on
Even when it looks like all my time is gone
Even when it looks like my path is all wrong
I'm moving on

It's time I looked forwards, and no more behind
And after a while, another I'll find
She might not bake cookies that taste quite like yours
But she won't make me live my whole life on all fours

The funny part is, in the end it won't matter
You're done and I'm done and I'll shatter the plaster
I'm moving on
I'm moving on
Even when it looks like all my time is gone
Even when it looks like my path is all wrong
I'm moving on

It always has been a tough pill to swallow
To try and accept that it's all for the best
Everyone wins meaning you meaning me
meaning all of the rest

Tears

Tears are liberation from bondage to sorrow.