I Am Not a Middle Aged Man
You know those things you write without... consciously processing it?
When you feel like your very core, your very soul is lain bare?
So I wrote this and that's exactly what it felt like. So I don't really know what to say about a moment like that.
I was talking to a friend about moving up to Seattle and I realized that I've never taken a risk. Never had an adventure. Up until now, I've been content to live through the adventures of others. Bruce Wayne. Malcolm Reynolds. Edmond Dantes. Jack Aubrey.
And I started to think, maybe the reason I have such a hard time defining myself is because I've never done anything worth defining? Do you ever feel like that?
How can I expect to write and create characters when I haven't finished creating my own?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I Am Not a Middle Aged Man
Slow down, son. Take a seat. I can see that you're upset.
The man takes a slow draw on his tea.
Now, why don't you tell me what this is all about?
I sit in silence.
No? Easier to talk when the cards are in your hands, isn't it?
It's a trap. Dumb bastard.
I was a lot like you when I was your age.
Bullshit.
I had dreams, I had goals. I had that desire to go, you know?
Of course I do, fucker.
And I ended up in a lot of bad places. Places I didn't want to be.
Here it comes.
I think that you think you know what makes you special. But have you considered that you're not?
Only the wisest have.
I thought I was special. Thought that I was like the guys in stories.
Haven't we all.
But the guys in those stories aren't real.
Bullshit.
They're text on paper. Lines spoken by actors. They're not people, you know?
It's too much. I speak up. Tell me then, sir, who is your hero?
I'm sorry?
Your hero. Everyone has one.
No, I understand. I was just asking if you were joking or not.
No jokes, sir. I don't have time for jokes.
Nobody comes to mind.
Hm. What a surprise. Do you mind if I tell you about one of mine?
Not at all.
This was a man who stood up in the face of everything placed before him. A man who questioned everything given him. A man who, on what would seem to us a whim, joined the monestary and devoted his life to a God he barely knew.
Martin Luther.
Have you ever met him?
Of course not.
Funny how we can only read his text on paper.
I don't understand your point.
Do you fear death?
Fear is a disease. It can be beaten. Overcome.
And you've done just that.
I'd like to think so.
Then you're already dead. Don't tread on me.
Commentary
The man takes a slow draw on his tea.
Now, why don't you tell me what this is all about?
I sit in silence.
No? Easier to talk when the cards are in your hands, isn't it?
It's a trap. Dumb bastard.
I was a lot like you when I was your age.
Bullshit.
I had dreams, I had goals. I had that desire to go, you know?
Of course I do, fucker.
And I ended up in a lot of bad places. Places I didn't want to be.
Here it comes.
I think that you think you know what makes you special. But have you considered that you're not?
Only the wisest have.
I thought I was special. Thought that I was like the guys in stories.
Haven't we all.
But the guys in those stories aren't real.
Bullshit.
They're text on paper. Lines spoken by actors. They're not people, you know?
It's too much. I speak up. Tell me then, sir, who is your hero?
I'm sorry?
Your hero. Everyone has one.
No, I understand. I was just asking if you were joking or not.
No jokes, sir. I don't have time for jokes.
Nobody comes to mind.
Hm. What a surprise. Do you mind if I tell you about one of mine?
Not at all.
This was a man who stood up in the face of everything placed before him. A man who questioned everything given him. A man who, on what would seem to us a whim, joined the monestary and devoted his life to a God he barely knew.
Martin Luther.
Have you ever met him?
Of course not.
Funny how we can only read his text on paper.
I don't understand your point.
Do you fear death?
Fear is a disease. It can be beaten. Overcome.
And you've done just that.
I'd like to think so.
Then you're already dead. Don't tread on me.
Commentary
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
C: Nothing in Moderation
Nothing in Moderation
AAAAHHH! I'm breaking with tradition. I'm doing commentaries out of order. (Something I should have probably started a long time ago...). Why, you might ask? Well, to put it simply, my last post was ignorant and naive.
I came to this conclusion while talking about a friend concerning the topics contents, and the thing about my post was that I completely ignored the bilateral nature of the problem. I took for granted that there were different interpretations to what I was saying.
Say there is an Inner Self (IS) and an Outer Self (OS).
I said that one of these was true, and the other was false. (IS=true, OS=false) but I completely overlooked the possibility that it was the other way around.
See, the way I think is that at our very cores, we are terrible people (IS). What sets us apart, then, is what we wish we were (OS).
Another way of thinking about it is that we are good at our cores (IS) and that our actions reveal who we wish we weren't (OS).
I feel like I'm terrible at explaining this.
Suffice to say that I have a no-delete no-alteration policy with this blog, and I can admit a mistake when I make it. I WILL NOT, however, remove a controversial though that I've had, because it is an important component of the past, of who I was, and who I am now.
AAAAHHH! I'm breaking with tradition. I'm doing commentaries out of order. (Something I should have probably started a long time ago...). Why, you might ask? Well, to put it simply, my last post was ignorant and naive.
I came to this conclusion while talking about a friend concerning the topics contents, and the thing about my post was that I completely ignored the bilateral nature of the problem. I took for granted that there were different interpretations to what I was saying.
Say there is an Inner Self (IS) and an Outer Self (OS).
I said that one of these was true, and the other was false. (IS=true, OS=false) but I completely overlooked the possibility that it was the other way around.
See, the way I think is that at our very cores, we are terrible people (IS). What sets us apart, then, is what we wish we were (OS).
Another way of thinking about it is that we are good at our cores (IS) and that our actions reveal who we wish we weren't (OS).
I feel like I'm terrible at explaining this.
Suffice to say that I have a no-delete no-alteration policy with this blog, and I can admit a mistake when I make it. I WILL NOT, however, remove a controversial though that I've had, because it is an important component of the past, of who I was, and who I am now.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Nothing in Moderation
Hold nothing back, for if you do, people will see not who you are, but who you can only wish to be.
Of course, who we aspire to do is an important component of our very nature, but it is NOT something concrete that we can act upon... it's a mask (to be cliche) which covers our face.
And it's dangerous. Which makes my next statement the ultimate in irony.
Nothing in moderation - in moderation.
Let go every once in a while. Be who you are. Say what you mean and as a result, you will always mean what you say.
Controversial Commentary
Of course, who we aspire to do is an important component of our very nature, but it is NOT something concrete that we can act upon... it's a mask (to be cliche) which covers our face.
And it's dangerous. Which makes my next statement the ultimate in irony.
Nothing in moderation - in moderation.
Let go every once in a while. Be who you are. Say what you mean and as a result, you will always mean what you say.
Controversial Commentary
Monday, October 22, 2007
All In Contemplation
Bench of stone
Stone of earth
Whereupon I rest
Looking upwards
Never back
Here I face the test
Do you notice?
Do you see?
Life is ours eternally
If we trust
and If we stand
We will see the promised land
Stone of earth
Whereupon I rest
Looking upwards
Never back
Here I face the test
Do you notice?
Do you see?
Life is ours eternally
If we trust
and If we stand
We will see the promised land
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Re: Pictures of Fields Without Fences
Andy Kim has a knack for making my posts deeper and more involved (Pictures of Fields Without Fences).
I am sure that if you asked the average American, they would be opposed to being invaded by Muslim extremists. Or by anyone for that matter. We have these concepts of right and wrong, and I'm not saying that these concepts are wrong. I think that harming others is wrong.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter who you're protecting it against - it's not yours to protect.
It's not an applicable idea. It's 100% idealogical. 100%. So I know that logistically it's impossible. I'm just saying that's the way it should be.
do we protect the land itself or what the land stands for?You can only protect what you own. Yes, it represents the values that we defend, and it is about defending rights, but what makes one group so different than another?
america protect its citizens rights.
a farm owner protects his ideal of a farmer, an independent hardworking individual who depends on his family and small community.
a person buys a house/small parcel of land to establish that in that small area, his/her ideas of morality, truth, etc. exist there.
the issue is not about the monetary value of the land nor the ways we go about protecting it. it is WHO we are protecting it against.
I am sure that if you asked the average American, they would be opposed to being invaded by Muslim extremists. Or by anyone for that matter. We have these concepts of right and wrong, and I'm not saying that these concepts are wrong. I think that harming others is wrong.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter who you're protecting it against - it's not yours to protect.
It's not an applicable idea. It's 100% idealogical. 100%. So I know that logistically it's impossible. I'm just saying that's the way it should be.
Sensory Overload
You wouldn't believe the things you miss. Every day. Every hour. Every minute of your life, you miss millions of tiny details that make up the world around you. What color are the walls? What type of wood is that bookshelf made of? Who are the people around you?
Stop and consider the magnitude of things. Every thread woven to make the carpet you walk on is composed of an innumerable amount of subatomic particles. Things so small you've never seen. The Elegant Universe.
It's a sensory overload, don't you see? You can't possibly handle everything that's thrown at you, all the time. Your subconscious, that which picks up subtle stimuli so small that they aren't even registered on a conscious level.
We have 24-bit color screens. I don't even know what that means. Even when you take it back to the good old 256, could you name them all? If the matrix was real, imagine the complexity of the program that birthed it. You have to know how many bricks are in that wall. You have to know how they physically react to outer stimuli. You have to know their color, to an infinite degree of accuracy. And this is an object that has no free will. It is an object solely inanimate. How much m0re complex then is the human mind?
Stop and consider the magnitude of things.
Stop.
Stop and consider the magnitude of things. Every thread woven to make the carpet you walk on is composed of an innumerable amount of subatomic particles. Things so small you've never seen. The Elegant Universe.
It's a sensory overload, don't you see? You can't possibly handle everything that's thrown at you, all the time. Your subconscious, that which picks up subtle stimuli so small that they aren't even registered on a conscious level.
We have 24-bit color screens. I don't even know what that means. Even when you take it back to the good old 256, could you name them all? If the matrix was real, imagine the complexity of the program that birthed it. You have to know how many bricks are in that wall. You have to know how they physically react to outer stimuli. You have to know their color, to an infinite degree of accuracy. And this is an object that has no free will. It is an object solely inanimate. How much m0re complex then is the human mind?
Stop and consider the magnitude of things.
Stop.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Resist - Rush
Absolutely moving and stunning.
I can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to co-exist
With anything but pain
I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I cant explain
I can learn to resist
Anything but frustration
I can learn to persist
With anything but aiming low
I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I dont know
You can surrender
Without a prayer
But never really pray
Pray without surrender
You can fight
Without ever winning
But never ever win
Without a fight
I can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to co-exist
With anything but pain
I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I cant explain
I can learn to resist
Anything but frustration
I can learn to persist
With anything but aiming low
I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I dont know
You can surrender
Without a prayer
But never really pray
Pray without surrender
You can fight
Without ever winning
But never ever win
Without a fight
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Pictures of Fields Without Fences
It's a phrase I picked out of a Rage Against the Machine song (Revolver). What I'm about to use it for has no connection to its context in the actual song, but it's a line that's stuck with me for a long time.
Pictures of fields without fences.
The Native Americans had it right. You can't buy or sell the earth. You can respect a man's right to live there. You can respect a man's right to make a living. But you cannot own the earth.
It would only work in a perfect society - I know. These days you need fences, you need thousand dollar security systems, you need attack dogs, lasers, anti-aircraft missiles... all to protect your land. The land you think you somehow have more of a claim to than any other man.
Why? Because we won it from the British in 1776? Because we held it in 1812? Because you bought it? Here's a question... who did you buy it from? And why do you think they had the right to sell it?
We live in a beautiful world.
Pictures of fields without fences.
The Native Americans had it right. You can't buy or sell the earth. You can respect a man's right to live there. You can respect a man's right to make a living. But you cannot own the earth.
It would only work in a perfect society - I know. These days you need fences, you need thousand dollar security systems, you need attack dogs, lasers, anti-aircraft missiles... all to protect your land. The land you think you somehow have more of a claim to than any other man.
Why? Because we won it from the British in 1776? Because we held it in 1812? Because you bought it? Here's a question... who did you buy it from? And why do you think they had the right to sell it?
We live in a beautiful world.
Friday, October 12, 2007
As f(x) Approaches N...
Self awareness is a trait that is theorized to be present only in the human mind.
That means that we are
A) Aware
B) Aware of this awareness
C) Aware that we are aware of this awareness
D) Aware that we are aware that we are aware that we are aware ... N
Is there a limit to our level of consciousness?
I do realize that this makes no mathematical sense.
That means that we are
A) Aware
B) Aware of this awareness
C) Aware that we are aware of this awareness
D) Aware that we are aware that we are aware that we are aware ... N
Is there a limit to our level of consciousness?
I do realize that this makes no mathematical sense.
Integrity
They say integrity is doing the right thing even when nobody is looking. Or at least when you think nobody is looking.
But what would you do if there was nobody to do the looking?
What would you do?
But what would you do if there was nobody to do the looking?
What would you do?
Ode to Brian
Poetry
Words, strung together
In a whirlwind
Of imagiation, of minds apart
Not too showy
But raw
Having nothing to hide
Nothing to fear
Because, quite simply
It lays claim to time itself
Man, having already attained immortality
Abused it
Forgot its name
But, in the place of words undiscovered
Has named it Writing
A tool which, when used with proper heart
Unlocks the door to life
To truth
To love
Which blossoms like
A poem
Words, strung together
In a whirlwind
Of imagiation, of minds apart
Not too showy
But raw
Having nothing to hide
Nothing to fear
Because, quite simply
It lays claim to time itself
Man, having already attained immortality
Abused it
Forgot its name
But, in the place of words undiscovered
Has named it Writing
A tool which, when used with proper heart
Unlocks the door to life
To truth
To love
Which blossoms like
A poem
Sunday, October 7, 2007
My University Portfolio
I figured since it'd change as the quarter went on I'd just post the link and let you guys explore at your own risk.
http://portfolio.washington.edu/malund/adamantexile
http://portfolio.washington.edu/malund/adamantexile
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Living at Home
It never really bothered me. I figured I'd save a ton of money. I figured I wouldn't miss out on much.
And it didn't bother me. Not at first anyway... but then today... today... augh, forget about it.
I feel so alone, you know? Separated. I can look out my window and see the same tree I've been seeing for years. The same patch of sky. I look around at all the things I've invested in. My books, my games, my movies. Nothing. Nothing at all, because there's nobody to share them with.
I need to quit my job. It's an absolute must. How do people do this? How do they live like this? Like a robot? "No reward is worth this."
I don't want to go in debt, but into debt I must go. In debt I've been, all throughout High School. All throughout my life. What's the difference if it's quantified by money? Why is that so different?
I didn't even have time to do my laundry last weekend. Or clean my room.
I don't want to think about it. Not right now.
And it didn't bother me. Not at first anyway... but then today... today... augh, forget about it.
I feel so alone, you know? Separated. I can look out my window and see the same tree I've been seeing for years. The same patch of sky. I look around at all the things I've invested in. My books, my games, my movies. Nothing. Nothing at all, because there's nobody to share them with.
I need to quit my job. It's an absolute must. How do people do this? How do they live like this? Like a robot? "No reward is worth this."
I don't want to go in debt, but into debt I must go. In debt I've been, all throughout High School. All throughout my life. What's the difference if it's quantified by money? Why is that so different?
I didn't even have time to do my laundry last weekend. Or clean my room.
I don't want to think about it. Not right now.
Do (Me) No Wrong
Do (Us) no wrong
Do (Him) no wrong
Do (Her) no wrong
And no wrong will be done unto you.
That's the ideal I'm trying to reach. It's a system of justice. Doing what is right.
And on that day when everyone stops to listen, marvellous things will happen.
Do (Him) no wrong
Do (Her) no wrong
And no wrong will be done unto you.
That's the ideal I'm trying to reach. It's a system of justice. Doing what is right.
And on that day when everyone stops to listen, marvellous things will happen.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
It Wasn't Okay Then, It's Not Okay Now:
Why you can't make your personal education mine too.
Dedicated, with love, to two very special people in HIST 111.
Number One
We all paid to get told what a professional knows. We didn't pay to hear what you think, unless of course you can reinforce/add to a lecture.
Number Two
When you struggle to string words together in an intelligent manner, it shows. WE CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO SOUND SMARTER THAN YOU ARE.
Number Three
ASK QUESTIONS. Don't try to force lecture points that are scheduled to arrive latter. When Professor X (haha) is talking about subject A, you don't really need to know about B until next week, do you?
Number Four
Sometimes when people give you an answer you don't want to hear, you logically assume that they misunderstood. They didn't misunderstand. You are simply wrong. Accept the fact that everyone can make a mistake and move on.
Dedicated, with love, to two very special people in HIST 111.
Number One
We all paid to get told what a professional knows. We didn't pay to hear what you think, unless of course you can reinforce/add to a lecture.
Number Two
When you struggle to string words together in an intelligent manner, it shows. WE CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO SOUND SMARTER THAN YOU ARE.
Number Three
ASK QUESTIONS. Don't try to force lecture points that are scheduled to arrive latter. When Professor X (haha) is talking about subject A, you don't really need to know about B until next week, do you?
Number Four
Sometimes when people give you an answer you don't want to hear, you logically assume that they misunderstood. They didn't misunderstand. You are simply wrong. Accept the fact that everyone can make a mistake and move on.
It Doesn't Matter
It doesn't matter how bad your home life is.
It doesn't matter how many hours you have to work this week.
It doesn't matter if you got a bad grade or if the homework is too much.
It doesn't matter if you're down.
No matter how bad it gets, you should never place yourself above thinking of others.
Maybe that's not fair.
But maybe if everyone did it, if everyone set themselves aside, if everyone took the time to think of everyone else...
none of us would ever have to worry about our home life. Our work. School.
Accept nothing but perfection from yourself. That's the goal. I don't care how unattainable it is because, well...
it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter how many hours you have to work this week.
It doesn't matter if you got a bad grade or if the homework is too much.
It doesn't matter if you're down.
No matter how bad it gets, you should never place yourself above thinking of others.
Maybe that's not fair.
But maybe if everyone did it, if everyone set themselves aside, if everyone took the time to think of everyone else...
none of us would ever have to worry about our home life. Our work. School.
Accept nothing but perfection from yourself. That's the goal. I don't care how unattainable it is because, well...
it doesn't matter.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Nomad
What do you do when you have nowhere to go?
There was a girl today who lost her keys. Her car keys, her house keys, everything. It made me think of how I would feel. Where I would go. What I would do.
And then it made me think that there were people who lived like this every day. Why is it so much scarier in today's world? Property control. You can't roam anywhere without trespassing somewhere, and you can't get food because somebody owns that too.
Do you ever want to just go back? I do. A lot.
There was a girl today who lost her keys. Her car keys, her house keys, everything. It made me think of how I would feel. Where I would go. What I would do.
And then it made me think that there were people who lived like this every day. Why is it so much scarier in today's world? Property control. You can't roam anywhere without trespassing somewhere, and you can't get food because somebody owns that too.
Do you ever want to just go back? I do. A lot.
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