Resolutions

Hypocricy.

It's my greatest failing. I claim to be wise, and I might be. But Socrates said "he who claims to know anything knows nothing at all." Or something like that. And I'm guilty of it to a large degree.

But you see, as much as I may be a hypocrite, it doesn't matter. I'm not stopping.

When I started writing this, I had decided that my New Year's Resolution was going to be avoiding hypocricy, you know, try not to be so arrogant.

But something just clicked. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep going, because people need me to be authoritative. I'm going to fight for the people who need a hero. Who need a Captain. I used to think I couldn't lead, like I didn't have what it takes, but I do.

So my resolution is to take charge, take command, carpe diem.

But first, some detective work.

Goodbye 2006

New Years is approaching as rapidly as ever, signaling the end of a momentus year for me at the very least.

Easily the best year of my life, and not through any terribly creative means I possess. They always try to tell you that you have to go out and get what you want. That it won't just fall into your lap. That's not always true.

So this year's been pretty good, though I regret that situations have more or less kept me from being close to some of my other friends. In any case, as with all good things, this year is coming to an end. True, I've got a full 24 hours yet to maximize the overall greatness of the year, but nonetheless I have to admit I'm a bit dissapointed that I haven't been doing that all my life. The year in review...

I got my guitar on my birthday, and though the art of playing it will probably not exceed the status of a hobby, it is still enjoyable, and it's good to know that I can play air guitar without looking like a dumbass. Plus, for any of you who have learned guitar by yourselves without any outside help, it's no walk in the park. It's about perseverance. I'm proud to say I made it past the intro stages, but I guess I always do.

I went to California with my band. Nothing too spectacular happened there, aside from great times with friends. There's a stormtrooper in your McDonald's! Also, the infamous four words... Yeah, it was a time of fun. I remember a friend of mine burned me the Arctic Monkeys and I listened to them pretty much exclusively the whole trip. Funny how music can do that. And then next thing you know, that music always gives you memories, even though the message has nothing to do with the memory.

In the midst of all this fun, I entered into my first relationship. I'd like to say I learned a lot, but I've got a history of being honest in times like these. I didn't learn much at all, aside from the fact that I had to act. Take control, live. I learned that I could combat my unhappiness instead of embracing it. I also learned that I'm a terrible gift buyer. But that's okay, because as you may or may not know the relationship ended three or four months later due to an ungodly amount of complications. I guess I did learn something else... Women say what they don't mean and mean what they don't say. You hear that knowing is half the battle, but in the case of women, knowing only gives you a fighting chance. And that's if a fighting chance means you get your sword back.

March 26th, 2006... a day that will live in my memories for years to come. Dragon Storm, Indemnity's Resurrection... Marcus Rielly and his struggle against the raiders. It's hard to believe that my friend and I actually pulled it off. We may have backed down from filming (for now at least), but we finished that script. And sure, we found out a bit later that we sucked. But it was fun, and it was about the story, and it was about expressing ourselves. It was about going up top, it was about changing lives. And that's something nobody can take from us.

Europe. Nice place. Had a lot of fun there. Was introduced to the master, Jack McDevitt. The greatest science fiction author known to man. There was something special about that place. It was the camraderie, it was the adventure. It was the frisbee, the bus rides, the music. It was about freedom.

But then! Tennis. But with tennis came school. In any case, it's nice to have some sort of purpose manifested in a physical outlet. In this case, sports...

And these past four months of school have flown by without precedent. I'm kind of worried about moving on to college and getting a job. But it'll be okay. I know it will.

Goodbye 2006. Thanks for the memories, the lessons. Thanks for the friends.

And don't get me mistaken, life. I still think you suck. Adios.

Keep Going

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!

- Rocky Balboa

I have nothing too add to this beautiful quote. Not a thing.

The Deepest Blues are Black

But we don't live in a black and white world. Sadness, depression, the blues. They're looked down upon as bad, because they lead to the darkness of the world. Fight for the night. It's just another end to the spectrum.

Sometimes I think we get too caught up in helping other people that we don't recognize when our friends are using this darkness theraputically. And no, I don't think that's a bad thing. But there comes a time when a man has had too much darkness. Too many issues, too many unspoken hurts. Hurts you'll never hear spoken of, hurts you'll never understand.

I think I've amassed too much darkness. Some of my friends think I just need to lighten up. Take it easy, relax. But I can't. And it's not because I don't want to. It's not because I'm trying to prove a point. It's because I can't. I'm paralyzed by fear. And of what I don't know, but I fear that I never will.

Well, you've gotta know what you fear to be able to fight it. I know that. I'm working on it -- I really am. Though I must admit I am frequently sidetracked by the idea that I'm okay. That I'm alright. Even now, I don't feel so bad. Hell, I don't feel bad at all.

But it's the realist in me, the small voice in the back of my head that tells me it's not over. Well no shit, Sherlock (amazing stories by the way, Arthur Conan Doyle knew what he was doing).

Of course it's not over. But honestly, I need to get on it. What do I fear?

I don't know. It's not a thing, or a feeling. It's... an idea. BUT WHAT?

Is it the idea that despite my best efforts it won't ever end?
Is it the idea that I'll never be good enough? (and by whose standards at that?)
Is it the fear of ending up alone?

Whatever it is, I'm running out of time.

Oh, and thanks to all of you who make me smile. Does a world of good.

Purpose

What is the purpose of life? Doubtless we've all asked ourselvest this question at one time or another. Is it pleasure? Survival? Community? Or is it something greater, something Godly?

I took the liberty to ask my peers what they thought the purpose of life was. Surprisingly, the answers were fairly varied. If you're offended by my responses, then exercize your right to leave me a comment about it. I will return to this subject if necessary.



To complete one's self. 21.43%

To complete one's self... and what does that mean in and of itself? Does it mean that we have to make a list of goals and achieve every one of them? Does it mean that we must become "perfect?"

It's about satisfaction. We are as complete as we percieve ourselves to be. If ignorance is bliss, then isn't it possible for our minds to trick themselves into believing that we have achieved everything that could be asked of us?

So the real question is (for those of you who answered in this manner) is this:
Are you truly seeking to complete yourself or are you waiting for the world to complete you?

To have or find purpose. 7.14%

If you answered in this way, I can assume that you don't care about the purpose of life. This is not because you find it irrelevant or pointless, but because you believe that it is different for everyone. Life is part of a greater journey, and the purpose is to find a purpose. Personally, I don't find this comforting enough, but in a way it makes sense. To me it's more of an intermittant purpose -- the kind you hold until you've found purpose, not the kind you hold forever. But maybe that's what you meant.

Not sure. 14.29%

You don't know. You haven't thought about it. Do you care?

That's not fair of me to ask, but you can't blame me for voicing it that way. Then again, if you've never thought about it then you musthave a pretty good life. I find that it is personal hardships or other obstacles which drive me to question purpose. Now, I guess it would be unfair for me to judge based on my own personal experiences. So I won't. Maybe you would just rather not think about these things. That's fine. It's just harder for me to write about.

To experience it. 14.29%

This is where I cast my vote. For me, it's art. Speaking, writing, thinking, reading, listening, creating, learning, teaching. It's all about what we can do, and how we can share it with others. This ties into the idea of community, but I believe that you can experience emotion through music without having community. Sure, you need the community to create that music or movie or whatever, but you don't need that community to experience it.

The other person who kind of hit this area had a slightly different take.

This person focused on LIVING life. Whatever you believe, you have to spend it doing something meaningful even if it's just meaningful to one person. Don't waste your time. What is the point of sight, of smell, of taste, tough, consciousness if you don't use it?

You can see why I put this response in the same category as mine.

Love and be loved. 7.14%

All you need is love... The Beatles got something right there. Now, love is not contrained to feelings between two lovers. Not at all. Love is merely the purest root of companionship, community. People bound together with the same fate. People caring for other people. But there's also tough love, and I think that's often forgotten and cast aside. That's the kind of love when you put a pet out of it's misery. The kind of love that inspires an intervention.

Get to Heaven and do God's will. 21.43%

I don't know whether to be surprised about the number of responses like this or not. On one side, it seems logical since there are a lot more religious people than non-religious people in the world, but on the other hand, we are selfish creatures by nature. But I guess 21 percent is a good middle ground for that.

The interesting insinuation about this statement is that those who answered in this manner seemt o be admitting the lack of value in life to a degree. They understand that nothing in this life is important aside from God, and in believing so they forfeit all of their own desires. Many non-religious people would call this foolish, but I call it honorable. I am slightly ashamed to know that I was not one who answered in this manner, but that is because I interpreted my own question differently. The comforting thing about the people who believe this way (myself included) is that you will always know where they stand because of their beliefs. That's not to say that other people don't have beliefs, but with a religion they are represented more strongly.

No purpose. 7.14%

This one baffles me. No purpose? If there's no purpose, then... what's the purpose? It's hard to explain. Myself, I need something to guide me. I need a goal. I need to believe that whatever I'm doing is worth something. That's why I believe no matter the purpose, there must be some sort somewhere. You can't say there's no purpose. I don't understand how you can say that.

Survival. 7.14%

All living things, all they really try to do is just survive. And I think each individual justd oes whatever they feel is the best way to survive. Thats basically what I think the root of life's purpose is. A lot of answers to what life's purpose is all kind of fall under survival.

That was the answer as sent to me. It makes a lot of sense, but it also ignores the possibilities of an afterlife or a higher power. But I guess you can't think on God if you're not surviving, right? But I think that to say this is the root purpose is kind of shallow. Not that it's wrong. None of these are wrong.

Anonymnity

Sometimes you think you're alone. Sometimes it feels as if the world is closing in around you and there's nothing for it. Sometimes you know deep down that there's no use in going on.

And how fitting then, that it is at these times you find comfort in the most unlikely of sources. Anonymnity. I guess it's for the best though. There's no way to trace it. No way to discover the source. And if you can't locate the source, it's the purest, most amazing thing ever to recieve. You can't identify hidden bias. Alterior motives.

Just to know that someone out there believes.

I've got a friend. He doesn't like hope. I can't figure out why. Hope is synonymous with belief, and everyone believes. I suppose you could make the argument that not all belief requires hope. Some men base their lives off of the belief that America is absolute. That capitalism is good. These are beliefs that don't need to be hoped in. There is no evil to fight, no war to be waged for the defense of these things (from within). But if men reserve themselves to believe only in those things that are undeniable, they will be like the dead. Don't be like the dead. Dare to dream. Dare to feel. Dare to believe in something beyond your own means. Dare to be.

Anonymnous. Thank you.

Dominyms

You seem to think you cannot die,
but truth I still must tell.
For better is it here to lie,
than burn alive in Hell.

---

I've never thought on lesser men,
and why they seem to fail.
But could it be that it is me
who's falling off the trail?

---

I've messed up my fair share in life,
but so, I say, have you.
At least I can admit the truth,
forever be it true.

---

I look around in times of doubt
in hopes that you are there.
But now I know that hope is frail
it falls into despair.

---

The people cry for it to end,
this pain that we call life.
But I have learned of other times
when men joined in the strife.

---

Surround yourself with those you trust:
They'll take you very far.
But let them not corrupt your soul,
Nor leave a biting scar.

Commentary

Multinyms

I'm back, he shouted to the skies
And fought the rising wave
And did it he so forcefully
A thousand lives were saved

He came to bring them back from death
the people there enslaved
he came to take away their fears
and keep them from the grave

And in success he found his niche
a hero for the dead
because he knew they looked to him
as Superman through lead

But when he died they raised no hand
to aid his failing heart
He knew he'd die, he knew he'd leave
he knew it from the start

But one yet stood against that wave
he stood for all that's right
and as he comforted our man
he gained a worldly light

I'm back, he shouted to the skies
And fought the rising wave
And did it he so forcefully
A thousand lives were saved

---

For every man who rose to fight
And failed in spite of life.
You cannot know the pain endured
When stabbed by gilded knife.

Why, every battle has it's end
And yours is just the same.
But realize that life is short
So tell me, what's your name?

For I have searched too long for her
Who takes away my pain.
And could it be it's you I see
In dreams with falling rain?

So come with me, our time is short
We'll walk a path of light.
I need you much as you need me
So join me in my flight.

For every left there is one right
I pray that you are mine.
Becuase I've wandered far too long
to face defeat this time.

---

Dust settles on the battle field
New breath is in the East
And in the distance footsteps ring
The rider flees the beast.

This rider came from Algadon
With woe and somber face
He rode away to chase his death
The bane of all his race.

Before he found the battlegrounds
His horse had lost it's will
And so he followed death on foot
His soul it came to fill.

He looks upon this death with awe
While questions fill his head
And all the while he's running free
Not numbered with the dead.

But while he runs the beast comes forth
To claim that which he'd give
The dead have shown him value though,
And now he'll choose to live

---

The parallels of earthly life
lie hidden in the deep.
For there the light and dark collide
and force your soul to leap.

And if you land in shades of black
you better be content.
For if you're not you'll burn alive,
no cash to pay the rent.

But those who glide into false light
may find it hindering,
of all the goals they used to hold
no longer shimmering.

The lands of grey are where we live,
and here we're forced to chose,
The side for which we'll fight alone
a battle we must lose.

But coming down from high above
a light that's never seen.
It comes to bring the end of all,
the silence of the dream

---

One day I walked to find a place
that's hidden in the mist.
It grows with evil deep within,
which rules with iron fist.

I know this place, in fact I have
been present here before.
But now I see it quite clearly:
Truth hidden in the lore.

I take the rage that's built inside
and use it for the good,
of all the men that suffered here
and did all that they could.

And when I took upon that task
of saving all that's right,
I knew it meant my life was gone:
I'd lose it in the fight.

But fight on, fight on yet I will
until I meet the end.
Because of all who love the life
that's hidden 'round the bend.

I knew that I would find it here;
that thing that makes me whole.
And if I knew it lay within,
I'd live to fill my role.

So here I am at bitter end,
the stars are swimming round.
And here I try but yet I die,
I'm lost but I am found.

And in the end I saw the light
that came to bring me home.
To rooms prepared before my time,
No longer, I alone.

---

Don't try to look like you know truth,
you would not realize,
the suffering that truth can bring
it's always filled with lies.

I'd hoped that we would meet on terms
that deviate from death.
But now it seems you wish to die,
and quickened is your breath.

So here we are, and I on top
the pedastel called life.
And there you lie in bitter loss,
impaled by crystal knife.

And here I sit, I warned you though,
of what the cost would be.
For stealing what was always mine,
it's death eternally.

---

I wonder why the children fail
to learn what they are taught.
And when they succomb to the world
was teaching all for naught?

I hope that there are more like me
who hope they soon will rise,
to leap across the open stars
and gain their lonely prize.

But into question come the words
which I have deemed to spread.
So fight for my beliefs, I will,
while questions fill my head.

And when the answers rise before
my unbelieving eyes,
I find that they were here before,
among the peaceful skies.

The skies of night, the skies of day,
how both will fill my thoughts.
And rightly shall they linger there,
until my soul is bought.

---

If one will look upon the sky
in search of something else,
why then would people blind his eyes
and make him live through hell?

And if you were to look upon
a sight more grand than most,
why then would others try to take
this sight from valor's hosts?

So if you strain to reach above
that which will lead to death,
why should these others strike you down
and steal your living breath?

---

A trap so well concieved that it,
with all it's wondrous flair,
would tear apart the worldly flesh
and strip the soulwinds bare.

This trap, I say, it's life alone,
and with it's reaching hand,
It posed a threat to any man
who dared before it stand.

And so the Lord came down from high
to fix this earthly wrong,
and did it he, so now I'm free,
and gladly sing this song.

---

Must I be slain to live again?
You've killed me once before.
But now I see the golden end,
and I'll be lost no more.

So patiently I'm waiting here,
I know not what to do.
I don't know how to prove my faith,
and make my dreams come true.

Where Does it End?

It's so funny, sitting there.
The knife.
And knowing it could end my life.
But that's not me.

Here it is, listen well.
This life is mine.
Only here some of the time.
And who am I?

I'd like to think I'm someone great.
The kind of man who'd rise to fight.
Fight the darkness, fight the light.
But I'm not.

I'm just a man, and with these hands.
I do.
I do what I can.
Where does it end?

Commentary

Eight

Pillars before us, pillars behind; we walked the darkened road.
We had not known the ways of man and so we found ourselves alone.
But yet we forged a path beyond the limit known as Hell.
So many lost along the way, so few remain our tale to tell.

Eight of us there were in all; six to watch the first two fall,
and after three alone remained, the open plains of death were braved.
Our goal? To reunite ourselves in body and in mind.
But I alone remain to say our goal we did not find.

And though I stand before you now with seven of us dead
I care not what you have to say, I answer not to worlds of men.

Commentary

Windswept

Across the oceans yet unknown to man
We found ourselves lost
Against our prow rolled the mists of the waters below
Much as dew on the first of spring's leaves
Fear came then in the form of a wave
And though it left us true we felt it break against our spirits
Adrift in the unknown, no light to give chase
No sound to guide us hence, nor any comfort in the form of a vision
Lose a man in the mists and his true form shines through
Burning through the fog as the sun
We are the most who we fear others to know

I saw the fear grip my men and I forced myself to stand strong
My duty is to them, my heart to their hearts, my life for theirs.
It is the life of a captain, and so I roused them on the deck.
"Many there were who departed our homeland,
and many have died at the hands of our enemies."
Their faces grew somber, and I went on.
"Yet let not despair take your hearts! For we alone live.
Though these waters give us Hell we know.
We know that we have faced Hell once before,
and in the face of the Devil we flew our banner high."
The men murmured their agreement.
"And when that day was done, we made those bastards remember!
We made them remember that we are the Tempest!"

A cheer rose up and warmed the hearts of all around.
"Now to the riggings men! To the ship!
To new lands, and to new lives!
Where once we went by the order of the consolate,
we now go of our own free will!
I tell you men, we are not lost. If anything we are found!
To the ship!"

Commentary

No More

No more turning aside
From my destiny, from the feelings that brought me here.
No more falling away
From who I am, from what I've done, and for that which I have yet to do.
No more leaving behind
My thoughts of you, the days we shared, the memories that have led me to this final conclusion.
No longer scared
I find myself in the reflections of the coalescing waves that twist about me like ribbons of light
Nothing left to lose
I rise to fight, I face my end, my destruction a function subject to the will of fate alone.

Commentary

Change, Jones. It's All About the Change.

Why is it that we as men (and women) are so resilient to change? And how is it that after years of noticing how my fear restrains me I have yet to overcome it in full? Granted I have moved along successively compared to my earlier days... Jones Bailey, why are you such a coward?

Jones is the social component of my personality. No, I don't have MPD (multiple personality disorder) although that would be fun. Anyway, Jones is in a tight spot. You see, he got pulled from a world where he was free to be himself, free to be alone. But now that he's a member of the Eight he's being forced to do things he's never done before, and I can tell it unnerves him. Which begs the question, is it change as a principle that he fears or the change itself? But in the end, he's going to have to suck it up for the good of the rest. Because they want what he does just as much.

The world is a scary place, but so is home. You're never safe, so don't disillusion yourself by thinking so.

Hear that Jones? You'll never be safe.

Commentary

Vindication

Vindication, alleviation leads me down the path to a new world nation. And the sun in the sky leaves a mark on my eye till the coming rain takes away my pain. So I drink my rum to the setting sun as it ushers to the stage the final page, Of a book that I wrote in the days I was young when the snow in the air settled down on my tongue. But there are those who deny it's a hell of a ride and with their buckles undone they face the rising sun as the messenger of death reaches out for the hand of the one man band playing slowly going mad.

Commentary

A New Age

There is always the ship. Concrete, everlasting. See, it's all about potential and scientific curiosity. Potential is what we question, how it will be played out.

I'll always shoot back. It's a new day. New questions for a new age. A new age, a new me.

What is music? And how does it work? Why does it stir up such strong passions in me? People who claim to love music may, but they don't carry the philosophy through to life. They never do. Heads down is how they walk. Look at all the stuff around you! I'm on a journey to find myself. But I will COME BACK.

Commentary

The Battle for Eternity

It took me years to reach this far, and I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't forgotten who I was and rushed through a host of the enemy. I can't even write this now with the knowledge of whether or not I did the right thing. I don't know if I was running away... or running to the end, either way, I am alone here. My pack is light, my weapons small, my skill undeniable and yet I am ailed by a mysterious sickness. I fight to the extent of my efficiency, and I am eaten by failure. I block the blows of my enemies, but I am still cut deeply. I am not confident of what action to take in my situation... do I wait for help to come to me or do I go back myself? The latter is easily the most logical, but my pride will not loose me from it's strong hold. There are others in my view--I can converse with them and they with me, but the sickness throbs onward. Bit by bit it ebbs away at my conscience, the one battle I fear most to lose, and the one battle which I can not afford to do so. Even as the evil falls to my deadly strokes around me, the poison saps at my mind, like a living host, and the more I think upon it the faster it consumes my very existence. I know now that it feeds off of my strengths, but recedes at my weaknesses. But if I run to my weaknesses, I will surely fall victim to the host of evil around me. Unless there are strengths hidden even from my all-seeing eyes, in which case it would be worth the brief exposure to this death. My cure though, must be willing to help as well, and it is so far away. The path will lead me more out-of-the-way that I dare to go, but for this I must remain strong. IF I concieve to make such a move, I must be certain of the results lest my spirit becomes impaled by the black wind of Satan, yes... I must be patient. Until then I must fight on, fight for the others as nobody fights for me, for when I reach my salvation, the journey will not be at an end. Until that time, I will have no more to say on the matter.

---

I have reached the door, but it is closed before me. I have decided to make the leap, but it has only led me here, to failure. The door is shut, and I am not welcomed in. The cure is inside, but I cannot reach it even to tell if it would help... as I fight off the enemy I become weak. Do I stay and hope that the door will open, or do I run towards another haven? The answers are unclear to me, even as I write what I know to be truth. Truth can be so fleeting at times, so hidden. I can only defend myself here for a small amount of time--after that I will be forced with a decision. It is one I am not anxious to make.

Commentary

Break the Pattern

What happens when you start to break the pattern? Why, it get's indignant and starts to break you. You see, it has us in a bind. The pattern doesn't think, the pattern doesn't know. It's too large. It can't contain itself. And it's out of control. But we are the "privileged ones." The ones who can find comfort in succumbing to the pattern. A "once in a lifetime offer." Well the pattern can go to hell. You're all so afraid of it. It's got you in it's words and it's threats. Well, it doesn't have me. And it doesn't have my crew. And we're gonna take a blowtorch to the damned machine. Impossible? Why? Because that's what it told you? Well it lied. Outside of the pattern there is darkness, there is night, but there is not weakness. There is self-sufficiency. And that breeds confidence, worthiness, value, and honor. And all it took was Vivacity and Audacity. But the gears are grinding, and they're pulling us back in. So in that void we wield the flame and cut the steel until the cage holds no more. And then you're free, the voice of the voiceless shouting it's eternal song, vindicated from it's villainy and brought into indemnity's resurrection.

You're welcome.

Fight for the Night

What do you see, when you look into the night sky? What do you feel in that vast emptiness? Man has looked, and he has seen nothing. But you have looked for yourself, and in that nothing you've discovered. But the power is not in the discovery. It's in the choice. Man told you what was there, but you did not believe. You did not believe because you did not trust any one's eyes but your own. They told you that there was evil in the darkness. They told you to be afraid. But God does not create evil, and the fear which he inspires is not of the type which they claim is present here. And so you're drawn to this portrait of the night, inexorably so, adamant in your exploration of the unknown. But this world was not made for you -- this land of mystery is not your playground. We gave it up, you know. All those years ago. It was once ours to guard, to watch, but in our neglect it fell to creatures of shadow. Demons, spirits, agents of the darkness. So we did what any responsible doctor would do to an ailing limb. We amputated the night, and sealed it away from this world. What you see now is what that world could be, should it be taken back, but it would take a force far greater than you will ever know to liberate the night. Luckily for us, there is another way.

Commentary

Number Games

Yeah, it's amateur... but it gets the message across.

I'm never more than two to you, but I have won one to whom I am one. However there are always those who try to take that one from me and bump me down to number three, and damn the fool who tries to win at every turn, that one is mine, you're number nine, so carefully around me now so I won't have to show you how I deal with those who take my place and hide a mask behind their face. I wear mine proud, I wear it loud, and since I'm always one away don't take my one, I'm here to stay.

Commentary

I Am Superman

"What do you hear?"

"Nothing."

"I hear everything. You say that the world doesn't need a savior, but every day I hear someone crying out for one."

It's okay to be a symbol... as long as you're recognized. People are selfish creatures, and even a super man is no exception. We need a point. A purpose. To make it all worthwhile. So let's hear a little praise for all the superheroes you've forgotten, for all the ones who don't give in, for all the ones who will do the right thing, even when nobody is looking. Integrity. Reward it.

Just Once, Let Me be Somebody's Number One

I guess that's all I've ever wanted. I've been number two for so long to so many people that I lost myself. No matter what happened I would always be that guy who you like for who he is, but he's just not enough in some small way. But now I know that I can be a number one to somebody.

And in conclusion the only thing to be said is, "Too many mind... No mind."

It'll all turn out alright, as long as we all keep breathing. No matter how bad it gets.

Commentary

Speechless

I don't know what to say... have I been wrong all this time? About all of it? Is it concievable that I in fact, know nothing?

See, it's not that life sucks, or is hard. It's really quite simple. Go through it without dying is pretty much the main point. Number two would be love and be loved. Number three is to have fun. See, not that complicated is it? But like I said, it's not that it sucks or is hard, it's just so damn confusing. What's the point of it all? Especially when it hurts so much at times... and why so sporadic? There's no pattern. That's the problem. There is no logical analyzation for it. I'm chasing my tail, and I'm only getting dizzy.

Lord, make me a stone. Give me a light for when all other lights go out.

Too Deep (I'm Drowning)

It's because I see everything, you get it? All the bad, all the good. That's why I find myself as a variant between two extremes... that's why I can be so objective and detatched. And I'm not saying that what I do is a good thing. But I can't help it. Call it what you will -- mental instability, paranoia, insecurity, fear -- but when it boils down to it it is simply Dom. That's it.

Let me delve a little deeper into my own peculiar insanity.

I see everything. Every statement someone makes, every action someone takes part in connects to something else, whether it's something I've said, thought, or done, something someone else has said, thought, or done, or something that particular person has said, thought, or done themselves. You see, to me it's all connected, an intricate web of the good, the bad, the light, the darkness. And I have been given this gift/curse to be able to view things objectively.

So it's been imbued in me to look at everything, and collect it in my mind, keeping a mental record so that I can attempt to psychoanalyze people. So I get offended very easily. Not in the way that I hold a grude, or in the way that I get all pissy, no. It's just an unconscious reaction that I take the situation and analyze the hell out of it.

i.e. say a friend pisses me off. The action is, at this point, irrelevant. So do I react? No. I think. I look at me, at how it affected me initially and why, and whether or not my initialy reaction was favorable or unfavorable. If my discontent seems to be justified, then I move on to the friend. What's going on in their life right now? Problems at home? At school? With other friends? Are they aware that they're doing it, when do they do it, what mood are they in when they do it, do they do it to everyone? These are the questions that boil down to this: Are their actions excusable on the basis that they are victims of something else, something greater? And often times that answer is yes. So THAT is where I direct my anger, my hatred. To an idea. The victims are just that, victims, and aren't we all? But in the case that there is no excuse (excepting ignorance, because to judge an ignorant man is like judging a disabled child -- they don't know any better) there will be a reaction, and there will be retribution, and it will be justified in my eyes.

But I don't do it for revenge. Hell, I don't even do it for myself at all. I do it for them. I'm practically training them. Showing them the line, and what happens when you cross it. Showing them the consequences of their actions. Because nobody cares. That's the problem, that's this evil that keeps recurring in front of me. It's right in front of all of us all, but unfortunately I can see it, and the very grim sight of it drives me insane with emotion. I either fight, ignore, or succomb, and the latter of the three has never been an option.

So what happens to me is irrelevant, because I am something else. I am an idea, a symbol, and often not a man. But what happens to my fellow man is of the utmost importance. Because in some small way I am a guardian of this world. I'm obligated to dedicate myself to them, to guide them and show them life. To show them that life will always hurt more than cutting yourself. To tell them that life is not fair. And I speak with authority on the matter, because I know first hand. Because I can see it.

And now we arrive at the solution to my problem. Every single word above has been writen by me, but not by myself entirely. It is the job I have been chosen to fill, to be this entity of whatever the Hell it is. BUT I AM JUST A MAN. Just like everyone else. I am. And that has been taken from me. I can't keep from doing it, I can't help analyzing everything that flashes before me. But I know it. Because even though I'm just like you, in the end there is no 'we' that can bind us, there is no unified generalization that can contain men like us. And who are we? We are the playable characters.

I'm crazy, but God damn am I doing great right now.

Two points in conclusion. Since I made both, I'm split. Surprise surprise.

1) "Life is not a segmented dream. It is a running total, a collabrative compillation of everything that we are and know. Memories"

2 "No, life is a vacuuous continuum from which there is no escape aside from succombing to its one inherent flaw: death."

Commentary

And As For Deserving I Will Speak No More

Many that live deserve death, and many that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?

We've all heard it before. We've all said it before. Life is not fair. And somehow, no matter how many times we hear it or repeat it, it never truly sinks in. Why? Because deep down we all mean well. We're all good people (for the most part). So when things go wrong, it's natural to act a little dissapointed. There is little more frustrating than working and working in the hopes of your efforts paying off, and finally seeing that they aren't paying off at all. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this. But am I wrong to say that good people deserve good things? Now, let's take me and my personal emotions out of the equation. To not do so would strip me of all credibility. Now let me ask again, am I wrong to say that good people deserve good things? No. And how often is life just, how often fair? Call me cynical, but my answer is rarely. Maybe you're all just a little too close-mouthed. Give some praise now and then. You think I'm satisfied? I'm not. You think I'm okay? I'm not. I'm one messed up guy. But there are people who "fix" me in a sense. Heaven forbid that they remove themselves from my life, but that's just a reality we're all going to have to face. Why? Because no matter what you earn, no matter what you deserve, life is always right around the corner, waiting to trip you on the slippery sidewalk. So prepare yourself, for when there's nobody around to pick you up. Even the aid of a friend is not to be counted on, as nothing is absolute. If only it could be. And maybe I'm wrong, because I see too much. Maybe my constant analyzation of every action I see condemns me to find the faults of people everywhere. But even then, for all my so called wisdom I cannot even fathom the workings of an opposing mind. Only I can be true to myself. But I love others. I love them with all of my heart. And who is to say which of them I love, and if any I love more? Then why? Because that in itself brings up another issue of worth, of deserving. And so I've managed to ramble on, but not say anything at all. So as for deserving I will speak no more, but I can only hope that somebody somewhere will love me back the way I love them. I know one thing -- you can trust me. That I promise.

Commentary

One of Two

Why is it that every time we stride closer to that everlasting light, it seems to elude us? Why is it that every time something goes right, another must go wrong? And as for deserving I will speak no more. Life is not fair, and no matter the cliches attatched that truth cannot be denied. But inequality only sweetens the victory. And even as I write this I understand that I am a fragment, a smaller part of a bigger wheel, a wheel of fire. But yet I am something more. I can choose to work, I can choose to earn, I can cast my distractions aside and run until the blood runs from my torn feet. And one of two things will happen. Either I will attain true happiness, or I will forever prove that quixotic question of deserving to be false. But for now, happiness. As a choice. Building off of memory, and looking into the mists, still cautious and wary of the rocks ahead. It's the life of a shipmate. Im my recent passions for that freedom of openness I understand. It's the challenge. And the price. Identity, and association. To unite with something outside of the mind, and with people I cannot choose. How am I? My smile says it all. But I'm scared, scared of myself. Scared of those on the inside, because they are in a position to deal damage. And Satan once more laughs in the corner of my mind. In the shadows, like a coward. He fefuses to put himself on the line. Was Judas your pawn, Satan? Was it you? Direction. I lack it. Where am I going? This is a call. I need help. Which I need is my crew. And I'm the nav of the group, but the pilot of myself. Because as the nav, I know where to go, and I direct, but of myself the pilot needs only to know HOW to get there, not where there is.

Commentary

A Letter to Satan

It's game time. Time to draw the line between those for and those against. Those behind and those beside. How quickly feelings change, how quickly respect can be drawn aside. But they're victims themselves. So do not chastise me, and do not judge. Don't downplay the happenings of my life, and don't distract me from my goals. I am the deep. And I'm not alone. And as surely as I draw breath I declare the victims innocent. So there's Dominic. And Marcus. And William, that confused boy, ever looking, ever searching for the answers. And we are four strong. And through your facts, through your books and your studies you will never be real. Cold calculation is all you have to offer in this world. Which of you could predict my responses to such distractions? Not one. Because for all of your so called wisdom you lack that certain shred of reality, which in itself is outside of reality. Such bliss there is in knowledge, and if this, great deceiver, is your trap, then I must willingly concede defeat. And since I abhor surrender to such a foe as you, a trap it cannot be. I await your next stroke, O father of lies. Will you strike where the flesh is weak? Dimensional shifting, Satan. I cannot be cornered, can never be contained in full. Because I have choice. And though I continue to fail you will never convince me of my own righteousness. And even now you smirk, as my confidence places me on the brink of destruction. But love will save me. And that is something you will never understand. You are so blinded by your hatred that you choose to burden yourself to spite the King. Which of us is to say that even you could not repent? Not I, for of all things I know precious few. But though you continue to lie to us, one thing is for certain -- there will come a time when you can no longer lie to yourself, as one eternity merges with the next. Change is a constant, even in eternity. And though I struggle to grasp eternity's meaning I know that all I need is right before me, and I myself am not to be trusted because you are in me. You've gone beyond the honor of battle, and now you must content yourself with tricks. But no matter how you win in the end you will lose, and that end lies dangerously near for you. Comparrison is a necessity, and to you time is irrelevant. Therefore you fail to comprehend. And you won't take my crew without a fight.

Commentary

A Letter From Matt

So here I am, on the raggety edge. I'm tipping but I have yet to fall, nor will I until the blade of death strikes me down. And I pray for them because they don't know, and neither I. But I've come to realize that none of it matters. Just the weight on my neck and the weight on my mind. Cascading gems of emotion, and I don't care how they fall or where they rest, because that eternal glimmer is what really matters. And so I praise God for his wonderous creation, and even though it may be my destiny to suffer, the feeling is what makes it worthwhile. While I may laugh to keep from crying, neither is complete without the other. The meaning dissolves without comparrison. Lord, send me your aid. Give me a light when all other lights go out, for as I live and breathe the darkness swells around me, and what I fear most is to succomb and join it. Comparrison shows me that the light is far greater, and companionship is vital. So no more games. No more tricks, and no more lies. I'm in it full now, and there's no turning back. Why escape life when you can work to bend it to your will? I walk in the light and battle the darkness, and they will follow. They will follow because I'm just like them, and when they hit the breaking point, they'll know, just as I knew. Time, that precious progressive identifier. They might see one way or the other, but they will see in the end.

Commentary

A Letter From Dommy

Forgive me for getting back up, but you don't matter to me. I've got a forcefield, and it can only be shut off from the inside. Why am I telling you this? Because you already know. They can't get to me, becuase they don't matter any more. And I'm not overreacting, I'm just reacting. Perspective is reality. So I don't care what you do to me, because in the end you're the victim, and you don't even know it. And I pity your lack of comprehension. I'll be fine, because I'm not alone, and I'm fine even when I am, because alone doesn't exist.You take it out on my perimiter because you know you can't get to me. And maybe I'm crazy because I talk to the Devil, but at least I know he's there. And sure, I fail every now and then, but he wants me to expect not to. Let Go Dommy, and I have. Only one more obstacle, and that's you.

Commentary

Buckle Up

Prepare for a rough entry sequence... we're about to crash. Hard. I don't know what to do. Everything seemed so right. What wen't wrong? They don't see the differences because to them they don't exist. And THAT is why they're wrong. Not because of their perspective, but because they're contradicting themselves. They can't tell the difference but they expect there to be one? It's not me at all. It's just what they expect. But how to show them that?

Commentary

Lost

I'm gone. I'm lost. Flailing in the air as I fall eternally. What do they think? How will they decide? What am I supposed to believe? I'm lost. Part of me wants to cry, but the other part knows I might not have to. Can't they see? It's different. They can't understand, because they don't have what I have. I did nothing wrong. I did something wrong. Damn the feelings. Damn the uncertainty. Damn the inconsistencies. I'm just not good enought I guess. Am I destined to fail? Does destiny exist? It hurts. I'm crying because I choose to. Is this really worth it? Yes.

Commentary (worth a look)

Victory Attained

I've come too far to lose, and the game is not for the faint of heart. It takes a determinate unsurrenderable willfulness. But which is it - do they cheer for me, or do they cheer for an idea? And my crew - who is to say that it is mine? Who is to say that I even have a ship? And what is it called?

I'm troubled by potential damage. How can I know what to do when I've got no direction? Trust Prime. Though detained - I caught him flying again - he is wise. And who am I now? Together we are strong, we are Prime, and we will attain victory. But to assume that we know anything at all would be a mistake. Of love and people we know nothing. So we float. Zero gravity, but we'll still hit the door because we've got such a good launch and vantage point. Sighing in the sky, for what we didn't even know we wanted.

Commentary

Slowing Down

I am a hero. Fighting for me, I'm fighting life. And this is round two.

Commentary

A Nobody

I'm no hero. Sometimes it's all I can do to survive. Guys like me aren't supposed to be happy. We don't win awards. We're the ones you either remember well or don't care about at all. Well, I'm just one of you. I believe in myself. I believe in my feelings. The ones I can't explain. But I'm not supposed to understand, and that's the key. That's why Prime is in the back seat.

Nothing else matters. Not the people, not the measurements of success. And I think I'm going to fail. I'm afraid to, but I think I might, and it scares the living hell out of me. Don't be afraid, I say. Don't be afraid.

Commentary

True Character

Sometimes I really dislike my family. But then again, who doesn't. At least every now and then... I mean, they're not even proud. They don't even give a damn. So if it doesn't matter and I do it anyways, doesn't that count for something? So don't ****ing lie to me. Time and money. God, I hate them both. But I'm okay, because they can't get in. Look straight ahead, now... Don't ask why they do it. It's not my place to care. I care about two things - myself, and the people that deserve for me to care. Let Go Dommy.

I'm starting to remember now. The UFO on July 4th. Snow tubing with Devon on Austin's hill. The bus shack, the mud lakes, the tree they cut down. Ed's characters on his lamp post. All of them came to me. We're coming around. Some of us are. Others are just beginning. But we're all headed in the same direction. We just don't know it yet. Well, they don't know anyway.

Showing my anger and hatred only proves that that they're getting in, but then again I can't just be a pacifist. I'll shoot back. Prime would have to agree. More so that I would actually. I'm flawed. It's okay though. I'm back, just need to find my niche, that's all. This - all of it - it's important to me. I don't ask why. I don't wonder why nobody else cares. It means something to me. True character is who you are when you take every stimulation away, excepting memory. And this is my true character, rather these are my true characters. But why don't they give a damn?

Commentary

Prime on my Sleeve

Who are we anyway? It doesn't matter. I kinda always thought I was the center.

Writing like this is fun. It forces me to think solidly, instead of making everything so abstract.

What's in a name? I don't know. A sense of identity I guess. A connection. A meaning. What's in a look? Everything. And by the way, giving up is never an option. Altering circumstances in order to change the situation, however, is an option. If there's a hero in all of us, have I been wearing Prime out on my sleeve? And is that a bad thing? Yes and no. On one side, people can't see the real me, but on the other... they can rely on me.

Commentary

Let Go Dommy

My world is being turned upside down right now. That's why I'm writing this by the way. There's a good deal wrong with me, and hopefully this will help resolve two of them. One is remembering - besides fear and anger my emotional memory is basically empty Well, for all my personal and philisophical skill I've got no clue this time around.

And damn it all, I'm such a survivalist that I rationalize loss and emptiness, turning back on my feelings - that is, if I have them anymore. It's like I'm driven by a small portion of myself. I think it's a lack or recognition, come to think of it. I get so little praise from anyone else that when I do get a compliment, all I can do is be skeptical. I hate it.

Sometimes it seems like there's nobody behind me. I don't know, it's as if I've lost all my ambition.

There's something in the water.

There's nobody out there.

I can fly.

God, what am I doing here? Why doesn't anybody care? I'm just trying to breathe. Why can't I breathe?

The air above is toxic. Pirates in the deep.

Come back... please come back...

Take off the mask. Who are you hiding from? It's okay now.

I'm one of you. Power through comparrison. Give Prime the backseat, let me drive.

Who are you? Smile. Trust me.

How many? Who cares? We'll fly blind. Fly by feeling. Echoes in the ocean. Fluxuations of the mind.

I'm back.

Commentary

White Mage with Knives

In some small way, I'm obligated to be one of them. Because they come to me. Because they trust me. And even though I'll never be more than two to them, it's imperative that I'm there for them. Because I don't need the people, but they need me. Why should I hold back my aid just because they can't give me what I don't need? White Mage with knives. I'm comforted by the task. There is no success or failure, there is only me. A beacon of light to walk in the darkness and purge from existence that very veil which hides men from God. Satan's had his fun. My turn. And I've got a tendency to win.

Commentary