Resolutions

Hypocricy.

It's my greatest failing. I claim to be wise, and I might be. But Socrates said "he who claims to know anything knows nothing at all." Or something like that. And I'm guilty of it to a large degree.

But you see, as much as I may be a hypocrite, it doesn't matter. I'm not stopping.

When I started writing this, I had decided that my New Year's Resolution was going to be avoiding hypocricy, you know, try not to be so arrogant.

But something just clicked. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep going, because people need me to be authoritative. I'm going to fight for the people who need a hero. Who need a Captain. I used to think I couldn't lead, like I didn't have what it takes, but I do.

So my resolution is to take charge, take command, carpe diem.

But first, some detective work.

Goodbye 2006

New Years is approaching as rapidly as ever, signaling the end of a momentus year for me at the very least.

Easily the best year of my life, and not through any terribly creative means I possess. They always try to tell you that you have to go out and get what you want. That it won't just fall into your lap. That's not always true.

So this year's been pretty good, though I regret that situations have more or less kept me from being close to some of my other friends. In any case, as with all good things, this year is coming to an end. True, I've got a full 24 hours yet to maximize the overall greatness of the year, but nonetheless I have to admit I'm a bit dissapointed that I haven't been doing that all my life. The year in review...

I got my guitar on my birthday, and though the art of playing it will probably not exceed the status of a hobby, it is still enjoyable, and it's good to know that I can play air guitar without looking like a dumbass. Plus, for any of you who have learned guitar by yourselves without any outside help, it's no walk in the park. It's about perseverance. I'm proud to say I made it past the intro stages, but I guess I always do.

I went to California with my band. Nothing too spectacular happened there, aside from great times with friends. There's a stormtrooper in your McDonald's! Also, the infamous four words... Yeah, it was a time of fun. I remember a friend of mine burned me the Arctic Monkeys and I listened to them pretty much exclusively the whole trip. Funny how music can do that. And then next thing you know, that music always gives you memories, even though the message has nothing to do with the memory.

In the midst of all this fun, I entered into my first relationship. I'd like to say I learned a lot, but I've got a history of being honest in times like these. I didn't learn much at all, aside from the fact that I had to act. Take control, live. I learned that I could combat my unhappiness instead of embracing it. I also learned that I'm a terrible gift buyer. But that's okay, because as you may or may not know the relationship ended three or four months later due to an ungodly amount of complications. I guess I did learn something else... Women say what they don't mean and mean what they don't say. You hear that knowing is half the battle, but in the case of women, knowing only gives you a fighting chance. And that's if a fighting chance means you get your sword back.

March 26th, 2006... a day that will live in my memories for years to come. Dragon Storm, Indemnity's Resurrection... Marcus Rielly and his struggle against the raiders. It's hard to believe that my friend and I actually pulled it off. We may have backed down from filming (for now at least), but we finished that script. And sure, we found out a bit later that we sucked. But it was fun, and it was about the story, and it was about expressing ourselves. It was about going up top, it was about changing lives. And that's something nobody can take from us.

Europe. Nice place. Had a lot of fun there. Was introduced to the master, Jack McDevitt. The greatest science fiction author known to man. There was something special about that place. It was the camraderie, it was the adventure. It was the frisbee, the bus rides, the music. It was about freedom.

But then! Tennis. But with tennis came school. In any case, it's nice to have some sort of purpose manifested in a physical outlet. In this case, sports...

And these past four months of school have flown by without precedent. I'm kind of worried about moving on to college and getting a job. But it'll be okay. I know it will.

Goodbye 2006. Thanks for the memories, the lessons. Thanks for the friends.

And don't get me mistaken, life. I still think you suck. Adios.

Keep Going

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!

- Rocky Balboa

I have nothing too add to this beautiful quote. Not a thing.

The Deepest Blues are Black

But we don't live in a black and white world. Sadness, depression, the blues. They're looked down upon as bad, because they lead to the darkness of the world. Fight for the night. It's just another end to the spectrum.

Sometimes I think we get too caught up in helping other people that we don't recognize when our friends are using this darkness theraputically. And no, I don't think that's a bad thing. But there comes a time when a man has had too much darkness. Too many issues, too many unspoken hurts. Hurts you'll never hear spoken of, hurts you'll never understand.

I think I've amassed too much darkness. Some of my friends think I just need to lighten up. Take it easy, relax. But I can't. And it's not because I don't want to. It's not because I'm trying to prove a point. It's because I can't. I'm paralyzed by fear. And of what I don't know, but I fear that I never will.

Well, you've gotta know what you fear to be able to fight it. I know that. I'm working on it -- I really am. Though I must admit I am frequently sidetracked by the idea that I'm okay. That I'm alright. Even now, I don't feel so bad. Hell, I don't feel bad at all.

But it's the realist in me, the small voice in the back of my head that tells me it's not over. Well no shit, Sherlock (amazing stories by the way, Arthur Conan Doyle knew what he was doing).

Of course it's not over. But honestly, I need to get on it. What do I fear?

I don't know. It's not a thing, or a feeling. It's... an idea. BUT WHAT?

Is it the idea that despite my best efforts it won't ever end?
Is it the idea that I'll never be good enough? (and by whose standards at that?)
Is it the fear of ending up alone?

Whatever it is, I'm running out of time.

Oh, and thanks to all of you who make me smile. Does a world of good.

Purpose

What is the purpose of life? Doubtless we've all asked ourselvest this question at one time or another. Is it pleasure? Survival? Community? Or is it something greater, something Godly?

I took the liberty to ask my peers what they thought the purpose of life was. Surprisingly, the answers were fairly varied. If you're offended by my responses, then exercize your right to leave me a comment about it. I will return to this subject if necessary.



To complete one's self. 21.43%

To complete one's self... and what does that mean in and of itself? Does it mean that we have to make a list of goals and achieve every one of them? Does it mean that we must become "perfect?"

It's about satisfaction. We are as complete as we percieve ourselves to be. If ignorance is bliss, then isn't it possible for our minds to trick themselves into believing that we have achieved everything that could be asked of us?

So the real question is (for those of you who answered in this manner) is this:
Are you truly seeking to complete yourself or are you waiting for the world to complete you?

To have or find purpose. 7.14%

If you answered in this way, I can assume that you don't care about the purpose of life. This is not because you find it irrelevant or pointless, but because you believe that it is different for everyone. Life is part of a greater journey, and the purpose is to find a purpose. Personally, I don't find this comforting enough, but in a way it makes sense. To me it's more of an intermittant purpose -- the kind you hold until you've found purpose, not the kind you hold forever. But maybe that's what you meant.

Not sure. 14.29%

You don't know. You haven't thought about it. Do you care?

That's not fair of me to ask, but you can't blame me for voicing it that way. Then again, if you've never thought about it then you musthave a pretty good life. I find that it is personal hardships or other obstacles which drive me to question purpose. Now, I guess it would be unfair for me to judge based on my own personal experiences. So I won't. Maybe you would just rather not think about these things. That's fine. It's just harder for me to write about.

To experience it. 14.29%

This is where I cast my vote. For me, it's art. Speaking, writing, thinking, reading, listening, creating, learning, teaching. It's all about what we can do, and how we can share it with others. This ties into the idea of community, but I believe that you can experience emotion through music without having community. Sure, you need the community to create that music or movie or whatever, but you don't need that community to experience it.

The other person who kind of hit this area had a slightly different take.

This person focused on LIVING life. Whatever you believe, you have to spend it doing something meaningful even if it's just meaningful to one person. Don't waste your time. What is the point of sight, of smell, of taste, tough, consciousness if you don't use it?

You can see why I put this response in the same category as mine.

Love and be loved. 7.14%

All you need is love... The Beatles got something right there. Now, love is not contrained to feelings between two lovers. Not at all. Love is merely the purest root of companionship, community. People bound together with the same fate. People caring for other people. But there's also tough love, and I think that's often forgotten and cast aside. That's the kind of love when you put a pet out of it's misery. The kind of love that inspires an intervention.

Get to Heaven and do God's will. 21.43%

I don't know whether to be surprised about the number of responses like this or not. On one side, it seems logical since there are a lot more religious people than non-religious people in the world, but on the other hand, we are selfish creatures by nature. But I guess 21 percent is a good middle ground for that.

The interesting insinuation about this statement is that those who answered in this manner seemt o be admitting the lack of value in life to a degree. They understand that nothing in this life is important aside from God, and in believing so they forfeit all of their own desires. Many non-religious people would call this foolish, but I call it honorable. I am slightly ashamed to know that I was not one who answered in this manner, but that is because I interpreted my own question differently. The comforting thing about the people who believe this way (myself included) is that you will always know where they stand because of their beliefs. That's not to say that other people don't have beliefs, but with a religion they are represented more strongly.

No purpose. 7.14%

This one baffles me. No purpose? If there's no purpose, then... what's the purpose? It's hard to explain. Myself, I need something to guide me. I need a goal. I need to believe that whatever I'm doing is worth something. That's why I believe no matter the purpose, there must be some sort somewhere. You can't say there's no purpose. I don't understand how you can say that.

Survival. 7.14%

All living things, all they really try to do is just survive. And I think each individual justd oes whatever they feel is the best way to survive. Thats basically what I think the root of life's purpose is. A lot of answers to what life's purpose is all kind of fall under survival.

That was the answer as sent to me. It makes a lot of sense, but it also ignores the possibilities of an afterlife or a higher power. But I guess you can't think on God if you're not surviving, right? But I think that to say this is the root purpose is kind of shallow. Not that it's wrong. None of these are wrong.

Anonymnity

Sometimes you think you're alone. Sometimes it feels as if the world is closing in around you and there's nothing for it. Sometimes you know deep down that there's no use in going on.

And how fitting then, that it is at these times you find comfort in the most unlikely of sources. Anonymnity. I guess it's for the best though. There's no way to trace it. No way to discover the source. And if you can't locate the source, it's the purest, most amazing thing ever to recieve. You can't identify hidden bias. Alterior motives.

Just to know that someone out there believes.

I've got a friend. He doesn't like hope. I can't figure out why. Hope is synonymous with belief, and everyone believes. I suppose you could make the argument that not all belief requires hope. Some men base their lives off of the belief that America is absolute. That capitalism is good. These are beliefs that don't need to be hoped in. There is no evil to fight, no war to be waged for the defense of these things (from within). But if men reserve themselves to believe only in those things that are undeniable, they will be like the dead. Don't be like the dead. Dare to dream. Dare to feel. Dare to believe in something beyond your own means. Dare to be.

Anonymnous. Thank you.

Dominyms

You seem to think you cannot die,
but truth I still must tell.
For better is it here to lie,
than burn alive in Hell.

---

I've never thought on lesser men,
and why they seem to fail.
But could it be that it is me
who's falling off the trail?

---

I've messed up my fair share in life,
but so, I say, have you.
At least I can admit the truth,
forever be it true.

---

I look around in times of doubt
in hopes that you are there.
But now I know that hope is frail
it falls into despair.

---

The people cry for it to end,
this pain that we call life.
But I have learned of other times
when men joined in the strife.

---

Surround yourself with those you trust:
They'll take you very far.
But let them not corrupt your soul,
Nor leave a biting scar.

Commentary

Multinyms

I'm back, he shouted to the skies
And fought the rising wave
And did it he so forcefully
A thousand lives were saved

He came to bring them back from death
the people there enslaved
he came to take away their fears
and keep them from the grave

And in success he found his niche
a hero for the dead
because he knew they looked to him
as Superman through lead

But when he died they raised no hand
to aid his failing heart
He knew he'd die, he knew he'd leave
he knew it from the start

But one yet stood against that wave
he stood for all that's right
and as he comforted our man
he gained a worldly light

I'm back, he shouted to the skies
And fought the rising wave
And did it he so forcefully
A thousand lives were saved

---

For every man who rose to fight
And failed in spite of life.
You cannot know the pain endured
When stabbed by gilded knife.

Why, every battle has it's end
And yours is just the same.
But realize that life is short
So tell me, what's your name?

For I have searched too long for her
Who takes away my pain.
And could it be it's you I see
In dreams with falling rain?

So come with me, our time is short
We'll walk a path of light.
I need you much as you need me
So join me in my flight.

For every left there is one right
I pray that you are mine.
Becuase I've wandered far too long
to face defeat this time.

---

Dust settles on the battle field
New breath is in the East
And in the distance footsteps ring
The rider flees the beast.

This rider came from Algadon
With woe and somber face
He rode away to chase his death
The bane of all his race.

Before he found the battlegrounds
His horse had lost it's will
And so he followed death on foot
His soul it came to fill.

He looks upon this death with awe
While questions fill his head
And all the while he's running free
Not numbered with the dead.

But while he runs the beast comes forth
To claim that which he'd give
The dead have shown him value though,
And now he'll choose to live

---

The parallels of earthly life
lie hidden in the deep.
For there the light and dark collide
and force your soul to leap.

And if you land in shades of black
you better be content.
For if you're not you'll burn alive,
no cash to pay the rent.

But those who glide into false light
may find it hindering,
of all the goals they used to hold
no longer shimmering.

The lands of grey are where we live,
and here we're forced to chose,
The side for which we'll fight alone
a battle we must lose.

But coming down from high above
a light that's never seen.
It comes to bring the end of all,
the silence of the dream

---

One day I walked to find a place
that's hidden in the mist.
It grows with evil deep within,
which rules with iron fist.

I know this place, in fact I have
been present here before.
But now I see it quite clearly:
Truth hidden in the lore.

I take the rage that's built inside
and use it for the good,
of all the men that suffered here
and did all that they could.

And when I took upon that task
of saving all that's right,
I knew it meant my life was gone:
I'd lose it in the fight.

But fight on, fight on yet I will
until I meet the end.
Because of all who love the life
that's hidden 'round the bend.

I knew that I would find it here;
that thing that makes me whole.
And if I knew it lay within,
I'd live to fill my role.

So here I am at bitter end,
the stars are swimming round.
And here I try but yet I die,
I'm lost but I am found.

And in the end I saw the light
that came to bring me home.
To rooms prepared before my time,
No longer, I alone.

---

Don't try to look like you know truth,
you would not realize,
the suffering that truth can bring
it's always filled with lies.

I'd hoped that we would meet on terms
that deviate from death.
But now it seems you wish to die,
and quickened is your breath.

So here we are, and I on top
the pedastel called life.
And there you lie in bitter loss,
impaled by crystal knife.

And here I sit, I warned you though,
of what the cost would be.
For stealing what was always mine,
it's death eternally.

---

I wonder why the children fail
to learn what they are taught.
And when they succomb to the world
was teaching all for naught?

I hope that there are more like me
who hope they soon will rise,
to leap across the open stars
and gain their lonely prize.

But into question come the words
which I have deemed to spread.
So fight for my beliefs, I will,
while questions fill my head.

And when the answers rise before
my unbelieving eyes,
I find that they were here before,
among the peaceful skies.

The skies of night, the skies of day,
how both will fill my thoughts.
And rightly shall they linger there,
until my soul is bought.

---

If one will look upon the sky
in search of something else,
why then would people blind his eyes
and make him live through hell?

And if you were to look upon
a sight more grand than most,
why then would others try to take
this sight from valor's hosts?

So if you strain to reach above
that which will lead to death,
why should these others strike you down
and steal your living breath?

---

A trap so well concieved that it,
with all it's wondrous flair,
would tear apart the worldly flesh
and strip the soulwinds bare.

This trap, I say, it's life alone,
and with it's reaching hand,
It posed a threat to any man
who dared before it stand.

And so the Lord came down from high
to fix this earthly wrong,
and did it he, so now I'm free,
and gladly sing this song.

---

Must I be slain to live again?
You've killed me once before.
But now I see the golden end,
and I'll be lost no more.

So patiently I'm waiting here,
I know not what to do.
I don't know how to prove my faith,
and make my dreams come true.

Where Does it End?

It's so funny, sitting there.
The knife.
And knowing it could end my life.
But that's not me.

Here it is, listen well.
This life is mine.
Only here some of the time.
And who am I?

I'd like to think I'm someone great.
The kind of man who'd rise to fight.
Fight the darkness, fight the light.
But I'm not.

I'm just a man, and with these hands.
I do.
I do what I can.
Where does it end?

Commentary

Eight

Pillars before us, pillars behind; we walked the darkened road.
We had not known the ways of man and so we found ourselves alone.
But yet we forged a path beyond the limit known as Hell.
So many lost along the way, so few remain our tale to tell.

Eight of us there were in all; six to watch the first two fall,
and after three alone remained, the open plains of death were braved.
Our goal? To reunite ourselves in body and in mind.
But I alone remain to say our goal we did not find.

And though I stand before you now with seven of us dead
I care not what you have to say, I answer not to worlds of men.

Commentary

Windswept

Across the oceans yet unknown to man
We found ourselves lost
Against our prow rolled the mists of the waters below
Much as dew on the first of spring's leaves
Fear came then in the form of a wave
And though it left us true we felt it break against our spirits
Adrift in the unknown, no light to give chase
No sound to guide us hence, nor any comfort in the form of a vision
Lose a man in the mists and his true form shines through
Burning through the fog as the sun
We are the most who we fear others to know

I saw the fear grip my men and I forced myself to stand strong
My duty is to them, my heart to their hearts, my life for theirs.
It is the life of a captain, and so I roused them on the deck.
"Many there were who departed our homeland,
and many have died at the hands of our enemies."
Their faces grew somber, and I went on.
"Yet let not despair take your hearts! For we alone live.
Though these waters give us Hell we know.
We know that we have faced Hell once before,
and in the face of the Devil we flew our banner high."
The men murmured their agreement.
"And when that day was done, we made those bastards remember!
We made them remember that we are the Tempest!"

A cheer rose up and warmed the hearts of all around.
"Now to the riggings men! To the ship!
To new lands, and to new lives!
Where once we went by the order of the consolate,
we now go of our own free will!
I tell you men, we are not lost. If anything we are found!
To the ship!"

Commentary

No More

No more turning aside
From my destiny, from the feelings that brought me here.
No more falling away
From who I am, from what I've done, and for that which I have yet to do.
No more leaving behind
My thoughts of you, the days we shared, the memories that have led me to this final conclusion.
No longer scared
I find myself in the reflections of the coalescing waves that twist about me like ribbons of light
Nothing left to lose
I rise to fight, I face my end, my destruction a function subject to the will of fate alone.

Commentary