Pain is a Permanent Resident

Pain is a Permanent resident
Sorrow seems to Stay
Tears an endless Torrent
Apathy takes Away

Breathing is a Broken bottle
Crying as the shards Cut
Victory a mere Vision
Empathy's not Enough

Pain is a Permanent resident
So think what you might do
When gleaming chandeliers of light
Come crashing down on you

But in all things remember
That to a rock held fast
Above all the sufferings
Love Lasts

Don't Call it a Comeback

If you did that, it would insinuate that my previous state was a state of failure. That somehow, I had something to come back too. That's just not so. I don't know what I can tell you - how to make it sound, I don't know, intelligible. I've suffered loss. I've suffered heartbreak, but who hasn't? In that respect my recent victories are no more of a comeback than a kid who picks himself up from a fall. Now, that's something I can latch onto. Everyone falls. Don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong with the phrase "come back." It's the major theme of one of my favorite songs. It's just as romantic and versatile as any phrase out there. It just doesn't apply. I'm moving forward, if anything, to places I've never been. And that, to me, is much more admirable than a "comeback." What is this anyway? A baseball game? I'm sick and tired of people comparing life to a game. Using phrases like "winners" and "losers." Again, metaphors are great, but for me they just don't apply. I start going down that road, I might not make it back. That's the road I used to take, assigning value to words and phrases thinking that somehow they would rise up and liberate me from - what? Myself. Though I didn't know it at the time. See, we exist in an isolated system. You, me, my dog. Each of us only having the perception of numero uno -a one-of-a-kind superhuman me. Right? That's a trap in itself. Isn't it?

Whatever came to mind...

This was written by me in a topic which called for flash essays without prompt... it was a "whatever first comes to your mind, and go" type of thing.

So as I was reading through these wall of texts (btw I really don't care if there are spaces or not) I got a bunch of great ideas to put in a wall of text of my own.

Then I realized that doing such a thing would violate my very rules. So let's talk about rules. What are the biggest ones? the oldest ones? The Ten Commandments? Wrong. There was one before. I'm sorry to go all biblical here but this furious ranting has left me no option. There was a rule before, and that rule was simple. Be perfect. Be like God. But we ****ed it up. So God broke it down into ten. And they're alright. But we still can't do it. So God broke it down into a thousand pager, and over half of us decide to ignore it or attack it as untrue.

Why do people attack things? It's kind of an unanswerable question, and a random one at that. One obvious answer is self defense. If something is threatening you, you must, in order to preserve your very self, attack it to keep it from attacking you. Are there other reasons? Malice, of course. Are there really any others? Probably, but I'm not thinking long enough to find them. Of the two, I wonder which one fits the situation in the ladder-wall above? It's funny, because a book can't attack people. It can cause people to attack people, but it doesn't leap out and try to bite you. I had a dream that a hamster bit me. Anyway, do we have the right to take out secondary sources of influence? I suppose so. But you have to acknowledge the fact that the only reason to take out a secondary source is because you're too weak to deal with the primary. If an evangelist comes to your house and you can't deal with him in a way that you see ideally, then the logical step is to attack their belief system. Because you failed to attack them.

Isn't that kind of cowardly?

Keyboard Master

This makes me think of Guitar Hero for some reason. And, if a game were to come out anything like guitar hero using a keyboard, I can only imagine the colossal train wreck that would result.

Now with FIVE buttons, for a complete piano experience!

Oh boy. What is this world coming to, that we sit around playing plastic guitars with five buttons before learning an actual guitar? If today’s society would apply itself, think of what we could accomplish? I don’t know what else I can say about it. It’s not just music. It’s everything that we put aside to play videogames. And I’m just about as guilty as anyone. I mean, I have a stack of books that I need to read which is far too large for my tastes. And they’re by authors I like. So what’s the problem?

I think it has something to do with the intensity of life. Videogames are relaxing in that they don’t require thought. Concentration, yes, but thought? Not so much. Have you every played videogames at an all-nighter? I have. I could feel my brain meting away from sleep deprivation, and my videogame performance was hardly affected. Have you ever tried to read when you’re tired? It can’t be done. Maybe we should put flashing lights on our books. And out guitars. And our keyboards. Maybe we can put flashing lights on our friends and our teachers, and maybe on some poor children that only need a bit of care.

Maybe then some things will get done.

Stay calm

Occasionally, the situation calls for some chaos. Some raised voices or frantic action.

But let's be honest.

How many times could you get by without causing all that ruckus?

Choose your words carefully.

Step lightly and carry a big stick.

-Theodore Roosevelt on foreign policy

Keep your wits about you and when the time comes that you must escalate the mood, you won't be the boy who cried wolf.

Don't be afraid to let someone else lead

There are leaders and there are followers. Which are you?

I'm interested to know. What's the percentage on a question like that?

I can guess.

Lets say that everyone in the worlds is to be sorted onto a team of ten. Ten individuals per team. Assuming that there is one leader among those ten, this means that 10% of the world leads and 90% follows (even in a democracy, there is a leader). Where does that leave you?

I said I could guess what percentage said they would be leaders, and, using simple arithmetic, deduce the other. I'd guess 50%. Why?

It's called a self serving bias. This phenomenon has been documented across cultures, and in a great number of studies. Over half of the population likes to believe that they're different, or special. Somehow set apart from the majority. And you're reading the words of one just as guilty.

Now, that's not to say that nobody is special or different, but you can see how those people, in order to be different or special, would have to constitute far less than half of the population.

Don't be afraid to let someone else lead.

Allow for the possibility that you're not the right guy for the job - and if you are, when you step into position, you'll be all the more aware.

Sorry for the ups and downs

After some additional thought, I have decided that Dominism, not this blog, is dead.

Everything I said in the last post was true, but it doesn't call for the shutdown of the whole operation.

For a while I had a new blog at aluminumexile.blogspot.com. Don't bother going there, it's gone now. I was going to make a transition there and start a new chapter of sorts but...

I forgot to post the link to aluminumexile here.

*facepalm*

So, with complete disregard for my number of posts as well as the idea of Dominism, let us all move on and remember why we do what we do.

We write because...

*billions of blogging ideas rush to the brain*

Um... I'll get back to you on that.

Emily gets the credit for showing me where I'd gone astray, Will gets the credit for showing me the error of my over calculations, and John gets the credit for supporting me no matter what.

(Also, just because Dominism as an idea is dead doesn't mean that Dominist ideals are. Just because it got a little full of itself and power hungry doesn't mean it had bad intentions. What it stood for is still good. How I tried to put it into use... bad. All bad.)

Endgame

This post marks the 200th overall post on Dominism, previously titled I Am One, Killer 8, and who knows what else.

And, speaking of posts, this one also marks the last.

I know that at 100 I yanked your chain on April Fool's Day. Today is not April Fool's Day.

Dominism was a miscalculation. Dominism is something that needs to take place in a more private sector, wherein I can be assured of it being taken seriously as well as ensuring that it stays meaningful. I spoke of how I didn't know to what end Dominism would take me, and how I figured I would find out along the way.

I didn't.

So, if my writing is to continue (I assure you it will), it must continue with direction, with poise and purpose.

Thanks for all the comments, and I'll see you in a few.

I Dream

i dream that every tree trunk tells a tale
of mountain slopes with colossal proportion
that each point of light in the sky holds its own meaning
and
i dream of brush stroked clouds streaming past
turrets of castles shooting up
of dialects and dragon slayers
and
i dream of flying free in silence
engines humming a somber tune
dancing in the fabric of things
and
i dream of oceans small and large
missiles firing at the dark
and bits of songs i forgot about
but
most of all i dream
of you

Wake Up

You ever feel like... you just want to stop swimming and come out of the pool? Feel the cool air on your skin because, well... because it's uncomfortable, and that's the point.

You ever feel like you just want to wake up?

C: I Am Not a Middle Aged Man

I Am Not a Middle Aged Man

You know those things you write without... consciously processing it?

When you feel like your very core, your very soul is lain bare?

So I wrote this and that's exactly what it felt like. So I don't really know what to say about a moment like that.

I was talking to a friend about moving up to Seattle and I realized that I've never taken a risk. Never had an adventure. Up until now, I've been content to live through the adventures of others. Bruce Wayne. Malcolm Reynolds. Edmond Dantes. Jack Aubrey.

And I started to think, maybe the reason I have such a hard time defining myself is because I've never done anything worth defining? Do you ever feel like that?

How can I expect to write and create characters when I haven't finished creating my own?

I Am Not a Middle Aged Man

Slow down, son. Take a seat. I can see that you're upset.

The man takes a slow draw on his tea.

Now, why don't you tell me what this is all about?

I sit in silence.

No? Easier to talk when the cards are in your hands, isn't it?

It's a trap. Dumb bastard.

I was a lot like you when I was your age.

Bullshit.

I had dreams, I had goals. I had that desire to go, you know?

Of course I do, fucker.

And I ended up in a lot of bad places. Places I didn't want to be.

Here it comes.

I think that you think you know what makes you special. But have you considered that you're not?

Only the wisest have.

I thought I was special. Thought that I was like the guys in stories.

Haven't we all.

But the guys in those stories aren't real.

Bullshit.

They're text on paper. Lines spoken by actors. They're not people, you know?

It's too much. I speak up. Tell me then, sir, who is your hero?

I'm sorry?

Your hero. Everyone has one.

No, I understand. I was just asking if you were joking or not.

No jokes, sir. I don't have time for jokes.

Nobody comes to mind.

Hm. What a surprise. Do you mind if I tell you about one of mine?

Not at all.

This was a man who stood up in the face of everything placed before him. A man who questioned everything given him. A man who, on what would seem to us a whim, joined the monestary and devoted his life to a God he barely knew.

Martin Luther.

Have you ever met him?

Of course not.

Funny how we can only read his text on paper.

I don't understand your point.

Do you fear death?

Fear is a disease. It can be beaten. Overcome.

And you've done just that.

I'd like to think so.

Then you're already dead. Don't tread on me.

Commentary

C: Nothing in Moderation

Nothing in Moderation

AAAAHHH! I'm breaking with tradition. I'm doing commentaries out of order. (Something I should have probably started a long time ago...). Why, you might ask? Well, to put it simply, my last post was ignorant and naive.

I came to this conclusion while talking about a friend concerning the topics contents, and the thing about my post was that I completely ignored the bilateral nature of the problem. I took for granted that there were different interpretations to what I was saying.

Say there is an Inner Self (IS) and an Outer Self (OS).

I said that one of these was true, and the other was false. (IS=true, OS=false) but I completely overlooked the possibility that it was the other way around.

See, the way I think is that at our very cores, we are terrible people (IS). What sets us apart, then, is what we wish we were (OS).

Another way of thinking about it is that we are good at our cores (IS) and that our actions reveal who we wish we weren't (OS).

I feel like I'm terrible at explaining this.

Suffice to say that I have a no-delete no-alteration policy with this blog, and I can admit a mistake when I make it. I WILL NOT, however, remove a controversial though that I've had, because it is an important component of the past, of who I was, and who I am now.

Nothing in Moderation

Hold nothing back, for if you do, people will see not who you are, but who you can only wish to be.

Of course, who we aspire to do is an important component of our very nature, but it is NOT something concrete that we can act upon... it's a mask (to be cliche) which covers our face.

And it's dangerous. Which makes my next statement the ultimate in irony.

Nothing in moderation - in moderation.

Let go every once in a while. Be who you are. Say what you mean and as a result, you will always mean what you say.

Controversial Commentary

All In Contemplation

Bench of stone
Stone of earth
Whereupon I rest
Looking upwards
Never back
Here I face the test
Do you notice?
Do you see?
Life is ours eternally
If we trust
and If we stand
We will see the promised land

Re: Pictures of Fields Without Fences

Andy Kim has a knack for making my posts deeper and more involved (Pictures of Fields Without Fences).

do we protect the land itself or what the land stands for?

america protect its citizens rights.

a farm owner protects his ideal of a farmer, an independent hardworking individual who depends on his family and small community.

a person buys a house/small parcel of land to establish that in that small area, his/her ideas of morality, truth, etc. exist there.

the issue is not about the monetary value of the land nor the ways we go about protecting it. it is WHO we are protecting it against.

You can only protect what you own. Yes, it represents the values that we defend, and it is about defending rights, but what makes one group so different than another?

I am sure that if you asked the average American, they would be opposed to being invaded by Muslim extremists. Or by anyone for that matter. We have these concepts of right and wrong, and I'm not saying that these concepts are wrong. I think that harming others is wrong.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter who you're protecting it against - it's not yours to protect.

It's not an applicable idea. It's 100% idealogical. 100%. So I know that logistically it's impossible. I'm just saying that's the way it should be.

Sensory Overload

You wouldn't believe the things you miss. Every day. Every hour. Every minute of your life, you miss millions of tiny details that make up the world around you. What color are the walls? What type of wood is that bookshelf made of? Who are the people around you?

Stop and consider the magnitude of things. Every thread woven to make the carpet you walk on is composed of an innumerable amount of subatomic particles. Things so small you've never seen. The Elegant Universe.

It's a sensory overload, don't you see? You can't possibly handle everything that's thrown at you, all the time. Your subconscious, that which picks up subtle stimuli so small that they aren't even registered on a conscious level.

We have 24-bit color screens. I don't even know what that means. Even when you take it back to the good old 256, could you name them all? If the matrix was real, imagine the complexity of the program that birthed it. You have to know how many bricks are in that wall. You have to know how they physically react to outer stimuli. You have to know their color, to an infinite degree of accuracy. And this is an object that has no free will. It is an object solely inanimate. How much m0re complex then is the human mind?

Stop and consider the magnitude of things.

Stop.

Resist - Rush

Absolutely moving and stunning.

I can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to co-exist
With anything but pain

I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I cant explain

I can learn to resist
Anything but frustration
I can learn to persist
With anything but aiming low

I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I dont know

You can surrender
Without a prayer
But never really pray
Pray without surrender

You can fight
Without ever winning
But never ever win
Without a fight

Pictures of Fields Without Fences

It's a phrase I picked out of a Rage Against the Machine song (Revolver). What I'm about to use it for has no connection to its context in the actual song, but it's a line that's stuck with me for a long time.

Pictures of fields without fences.

The Native Americans had it right. You can't buy or sell the earth. You can respect a man's right to live there. You can respect a man's right to make a living. But you cannot own the earth.

It would only work in a perfect society - I know. These days you need fences, you need thousand dollar security systems, you need attack dogs, lasers, anti-aircraft missiles... all to protect your land. The land you think you somehow have more of a claim to than any other man.

Why? Because we won it from the British in 1776? Because we held it in 1812? Because you bought it? Here's a question... who did you buy it from? And why do you think they had the right to sell it?

We live in a beautiful world.

As f(x) Approaches N...

Self awareness is a trait that is theorized to be present only in the human mind.

That means that we are

A) Aware
B) Aware of this awareness
C) Aware that we are aware of this awareness
D) Aware that we are aware that we are aware that we are aware ... N

Is there a limit to our level of consciousness?

I do realize that this makes no mathematical sense.

Integrity

They say integrity is doing the right thing even when nobody is looking. Or at least when you think nobody is looking.

But what would you do if there was nobody to do the looking?

What would you do?

Ode to Brian

Poetry
Words, strung together
In a whirlwind
Of imagiation, of minds apart
Not too showy
But raw
Having nothing to hide
Nothing to fear
Because, quite simply
It lays claim to time itself
Man, having already attained immortality
Abused it
Forgot its name
But, in the place of words undiscovered
Has named it Writing
A tool which, when used with proper heart
Unlocks the door to life
To truth
To love
Which blossoms like
A poem

My University Portfolio

I figured since it'd change as the quarter went on I'd just post the link and let you guys explore at your own risk.

http://portfolio.washington.edu/malund/adamantexile

Living at Home

It never really bothered me. I figured I'd save a ton of money. I figured I wouldn't miss out on much.

And it didn't bother me. Not at first anyway... but then today... today... augh, forget about it.

I feel so alone, you know? Separated. I can look out my window and see the same tree I've been seeing for years. The same patch of sky. I look around at all the things I've invested in. My books, my games, my movies. Nothing. Nothing at all, because there's nobody to share them with.

I need to quit my job. It's an absolute must. How do people do this? How do they live like this? Like a robot? "No reward is worth this."

I don't want to go in debt, but into debt I must go. In debt I've been, all throughout High School. All throughout my life. What's the difference if it's quantified by money? Why is that so different?

I didn't even have time to do my laundry last weekend. Or clean my room.

I don't want to think about it. Not right now.

Do (Me) No Wrong

Do (Us) no wrong
Do (Him) no wrong
Do (Her) no wrong

And no wrong will be done unto you.

That's the ideal I'm trying to reach. It's a system of justice. Doing what is right.

And on that day when everyone stops to listen, marvellous things will happen.

It Wasn't Okay Then, It's Not Okay Now:

Why you can't make your personal education mine too.

Dedicated, with love, to two very special people in HIST 111.

Number One

We all paid to get told what a professional knows. We didn't pay to hear what you think, unless of course you can reinforce/add to a lecture.

Number Two

When you struggle to string words together in an intelligent manner, it shows. WE CAN TELL WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO SOUND SMARTER THAN YOU ARE.

Number Three

ASK QUESTIONS. Don't try to force lecture points that are scheduled to arrive latter. When Professor X (haha) is talking about subject A, you don't really need to know about B until next week, do you?

Number Four

Sometimes when people give you an answer you don't want to hear, you logically assume that they misunderstood. They didn't misunderstand. You are simply wrong. Accept the fact that everyone can make a mistake and move on.

It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter how bad your home life is.
It doesn't matter how many hours you have to work this week.
It doesn't matter if you got a bad grade or if the homework is too much.
It doesn't matter if you're down.

No matter how bad it gets, you should never place yourself above thinking of others.

Maybe that's not fair.

But maybe if everyone did it, if everyone set themselves aside, if everyone took the time to think of everyone else...

none of us would ever have to worry about our home life. Our work. School.

Accept nothing but perfection from yourself. That's the goal. I don't care how unattainable it is because, well...

it doesn't matter.

Nomad

What do you do when you have nowhere to go?

There was a girl today who lost her keys. Her car keys, her house keys, everything. It made me think of how I would feel. Where I would go. What I would do.

And then it made me think that there were people who lived like this every day. Why is it so much scarier in today's world? Property control. You can't roam anywhere without trespassing somewhere, and you can't get food because somebody owns that too.

Do you ever want to just go back? I do. A lot.

To the World:

Dominic Peters, an emissary of the past, present, and future Dominists, with ambitions of peace.

I am sure that you know about our recent growth in number, and I can assure you that we in no way intend to disrupt the webs you have spun, for of all things you alone are the keeper of time, the sole destroyer of all.

Do note, however, that we will not let our presence pass by unknown, and that should your path continue to rub edges with that of ours, there can be no coexistence between us. As we work in you we will not stand by as cancerous nodes swell and run over all that we hold dear.

This, your final warning.

Dom

The Pretender - Foo Fighters

Keep you in the dark you know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark and so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones come marchin' in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?

I'm finished makin' sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
Spending this energy
But the wheel is spinnin' me, it's never ending, never ending
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender

In time or so I'm told
I'm just another soul for sale, oh well
The page is outta print
We are not permanent, we're temporary, temporary
Same old story

I'm the voice inside your head, you refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face, mirroring your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right, I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that'll take you down, bring you to your knees

So, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

Re: Firsts (and a bit on change, too)

I hope that Andy doesn't mind me putting him on the spot... but he did post it publicly (Firsts), so... whatever. This is in no way directed towards him or really his idea - just me musing on what he said.

i think its important that when change is no longer forced upon people, people need to take the initiative and force change upon themselves. we deal with a lot of change during our younger years and grow up a lot (mentally). but eventually, people settle down into their job and their routines and never change again, thus never growing again. change is hard but change is good.

I have a post about change as compared to redefinition, and to be quite honest it's not very... deep. It was basically me attempt to recategorize the word change into terms I could use without fear of being misunderstood. For me, to everything there is a good and a bad. There is nothing that is anything (in this world) which can claim perfection, or absolute evil for that matter.

Everything is based on perspective. Some think change and they think opportunity. Others feel fear. Which one is right? Neither. So I took the "positive" term, called it redefinition, and took the "negative" for change. It's just semantics.

But I want to ask where we get the different ideas concerning change. Why do some fear it and others embrace? Do we eventually do both in the span of our lives?

When it's all said and done, Andy hit my point right on the head: the point I was unconsciously making in Firsts was that I'm running out of an entity that I'm all too familiar with. The first of something. It's a fear, but also a sadness. Like losing an old friend and not knowing if I'll make any new ones.

But I'm not running out of all of my firsts, just the mandatory ones. I have unlimited potential to change, to do new things, to have new firsts. First book published. First life changed. (Or maybe I've already done that one...) To change for the better. Change for the worse. Change because I go where I choose and if I choose where I go, that's the way things are.

Firsts

I'm running out of them, you know. First breath. First word. First birthday. First day of Elementary school, Junior High, High School, and now the first day of college. First job. First car.

Aside from areas of my personal life that I won't go into, I have very few left.

Huh.

Combat Mode

1) Self doubt
2) Self fulfillment
3) Defense
4) Attack

I've got this... mood that I get into sometime. I call it combat mode. Listed above are the categories of it. The ways it starts. The triggers. It's a peculiar state of being. It's not depressed. It's driven. It's not unhealthy. It's liberating.

It's not unhealthy... I might be wrong in that respect. I suppose that while I'm in it, I might be considered a bit standoffish. I might be viewed as depressed. I'm sorry, you still don't know what it is, do you?

Combat mode is the epitome of bittersweet. Sweet & sour sauce has nothing on it. Rhubarb has nothing on it. Combat mode is like Saidin (sp?).

I wish I could explain it, but it's so difficult. Imagine that your entire family was brutally killed. Imagine that you know who did it. Now imagine how you would feel as you went out to exact revenge. That's it. That, right there, is combat mode.

But it's not always so violently guided. Sometimes all it takes is the right song on the radio. Other times it's because I'm disappointed in myself (1), and it's a soulsearch for redemption. Or maybe I'm the self-righteous savior of the world (2). I suppose in that respect (3) (4) are simply variations on the first two...

Do you have moods like this? Characters? Personae?

Am I crazy?

The Way - Fastball

This song makes me think of us. Of the Dominists. Because as much as we profess our intellect, we don't really know the way yet.

I had a teacher once who told me that I only talk in circles. The thing of it is, so what if I do? At least I'm not afraid to talk.

So who cares if we don't know where we're going yet? We intend to in time.

They made up their minds
And they started packing
They left before the sun came up that day
An exit to eternal summer slacking
But where were they going
Without ever knowing the way?
They drank up the wine
And they got to talking
They now had more important things to sayAnd when the car broke down
They started walking
Where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone could see
The road that they walk on is paved in gold
And it's always summer, they'll never get cold
They'll never get hungry
They'll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows
Wandering off somewhere
They won't make it home
But they really don't care
They wanted the highway
They're happy there today , today

The children woke up
And they couldn't find 'em
They Left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off
And left it all behind 'em
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

That's the Way

The way things are. Do you believe in fate? Destiny?

I don't like it. The idea that somehow, from somewhere else, my entire life has been determined for me? It doesn't seem fair. But that's the way it is, isn't it? Life's not fair.

Maybe we're not predestined for anything.

Because anything's possible. Right?

But resolve is the wrench in the gears. Determination. Stubbornness. Character. Anything is possible, yes, but how willing are we to allow it to pass?

Not very.

So that's the way things are. That's why, my friend, they bring their problems to you. Because you are the mechanic. That's why you won't turn away. Because you can't look upon their pain without feeling it yourself.

These things get that way because, well... they were meant to be. Because you made them that way. And it's not fate. It's not destiny. That's the way things are.

That's the way.

Life Is... vol.2

Life is difficult. All people know this. But there are two different responses to it, and I'm not talking about success versus failure, because everyone tastes a bit of both on their journeys. I'm talking about the way you actually view the thing.

Either it's difficult and you complain, or it's difficult and you accept this as the way things are. The way they're supposed to be.

My dad always tells me that anything worth having is worth hard work. Because it's not easy. Because life is not easy. Because life is worth having.

Don't let it bring you down. Think of it this way - when we exercise, what are we doing? Tricking the body into consuming extra fats, tricking it into thinking that it needs to devote extra energy to the muscles to survive. But you have to push it. Pry it. Force it. The pain you feel during exercise is the same that you feel during life.

Life is a part of you, it's that part that pushes you, knows where you need to improve, what you can do better. And like I said earlier, it allows you to be all that you can be.

The Green Goblin was Right

"No matter how much you do for them, eventually they will come to hate you."

You know how everyone seems to hate vigilante justice? Well, the officials do anyhow. And before you know it, they're chasing down Spiderman. They're firing guns at Batman. Have you ever sat there and watched, or read along, thinking "What the ****!? Why can't they just leave him alone? Can't they see that he's helping them?" Ever felt that?

Yeah, that just happened to me. Being "chased by the cops" I mean. You know, I really like to help people, but at the same time I'm pretty passive aggressive about it. That is, I can't force anyone to read my blog, or listen to me, but if you engage me or if you try to argue my point, I'm going to get into it pretty hot.

But my point lies within the passive part. I don't shove my agenda down other people's throats. Okay? Let's just get that out of the way, why don't we?

So when somebody comes to me for advice, don't you dare tell me I'm out of line for giving it to them. It's my opinion. The fact that they adopt it as their own means that they either agree and don't want to admit it, or they don't agree but think that they should.

Life isn't all flowers and music. Okay? If I pick up an abandoned dog on the side of the street, it won't matter one damn bit how cute it is - if it's going to bite me, it's not going to make me happy for long.

So if you're into that shallow "live for the moment" bullshit, go ahead and take your best shot at me. But as things stand, I fight for a greater good, I fight for an everlasting love, and you couldn't tear me down if you wanted to.

Hey, You There on the Couch

It all started with one man... it had to, don't you see? It always starts with one man. The inspiration. The motivation. The people who make a difference in your life had to start somewhere, right?

So you sit on the couch and you think, what can I do? Who am I to change the world? (Who are you not to? A post for another day...)

But don't you see? It's everywhere - inspiration, motivation. Sometimes your very existence is enough to warrant action on the part of someone else.

All I ask is that you keep your fear in check. Don't be afraid to reach out, to talk to someone. To make a difference. Because you don't have to move mountains, you just have to give someone the idea of how to do it better.

If your existence was pointless, it would spontaneously cease to... exist.

They need you. We need you.

I need you.

Potential Misused

It's the all too familiar tragic story.

The girl who looks at herself in the mirror and doesn't like what she sees.

The girl who tells herself over and over again.

"I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm disgusting."

And nobody believes it but her. Why?

Because we see the worst of ourselves.

"I'm stupid. I'm thoughtless. I'm not good enough."

Her boyfriend is no dummy. He knows that he'd better say that she's beautiful or there'll be hell to pay.

But that's not why he says it.

He says it because it's true.

She is beautiful.

The man who looks at himself in the reflection of a cross and doesn't like what he sees.

The man who tells himself over and over again.

"I'm hopeless. I'm sinful. I don't deserve your love."

But God doesn't see it. God doesn't care. God's greatest frustration isn't that he sins, it's that he has such potential. God loves us for who we really are, not for who we see in the mirror. God loves us for what we could be, because to him what we could be is who we are.

He's not mad because we sin - he's mad because we have the potential not to. Because we don't have faith in ourselves.

"I'm not good enough to change the world," he says. "Nobody will read what I have to say anyway. Who am I to tell them anything?" He's wrong you know.

"I'll never stop smoking." This from the man on the corner.

"I'll never fall in love." The heartbroken friend.

"I'll never be what my father wanted me to be." So he stops trying.

"I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm disgusting." And her boyfriend tells her every day that her smiles bring him up. Her friends tell her that she's pretty, and behind the scenes his friends talk about how lucky he is to have her.

But she won't see it.

He's only mad because you won't be who you are.

C: Change, Jones. It's All About the Change

Change, Jones. It's All About the Change.

Ah yes, the Eight. Have I named them all yet? They've changed a tiny bit since I wrote this one, but still... Full character bios to come when I reach the actual poem (Eight) about them.

But what was happening here? Ah yes, the potential rebound relationship. No, it didn't work out, and thank goodness it didn't. We wouldn't have matched well. Basically I was struggling with the idea that in order to attract attention from this feminine interest of mine, I was going to have to break down my usual routine and flash some social skill (of which I have precious little). One of my friends was pressuring me to just ask her out, and that's what the last bit is in reference to. I knew that it wasn't going to get any easier with time, so I tried to suck it up.

I never did. And I stand by that decision.

People might ask, why didn't you go for it? What did you have to lose?

And I would answer

Jones doesn't fly the damn ship. Period.

:)

C: Vindication

Vindication

In this piece... well, I think I was inspired by Linkin Park. I think. But basically I was once again convincing myself of how I was over my problems, how I was free, liberated. But at the same time, the one man band is going mad, isn't he?

But that's a testament to who I used to be. Because people who don't (metaphorically) wear their seatbelts are not just going to crash, like the rest of us, but they're going to be thrown through the windshield. So that one man band who felt alone and didn't - couldn't - care, had to find it within himself to take some action, make some changes.

To do the right thing.

Be All That You Can Be

An old Army motto... or was it the Marines? Anyhow, it's unsettling. Yeah, it seems hopeful, like someone is looking to the future, but to me it's something far more ominous.

To me it says "As of now, you are not yet all that you can be." And that bothers me. Not because I could be better, but because I'm not doing anything to become better.

Better. By whose standards? Why should anyone judge how I am and who I should become?

I say perspective is reality. I believe it too. But I also believe in an absolute truth. And that absolute truth, I believe, is etched into our hearts and minds. Some can see it more clearly than others... am I one of them? And if I am, what steps am I taking to preserve this Holy Writ? None. And that's the problem.

Rationalization is more important than sex. I don't remember what movie that's from - you'll have to ask a friend of mine. But it's true. Have you ever gone a day without sex? Have you ever gone a day without rationalization?

But rationalization, I fear, has left me compromised. And maybe that's because I'm so good at twisting the absolute to fit my definition, my perspective of reality. And maybe I'm not who I was meant to be.

I don't know if that's okay or not.

But I'm determined to find out.

Life Is... vol.1

Life is a gamble. It has its ups and its downs and if you choose to play, you have to accept the fact that not everything is within your control. You have to accept the fact that not all things will go your way.

But most importantly of all, you have to realize that you are by no means any better or worse than anyone who has a different result. Yes, hard work does pay off. Yes, what goes around comes around. But at the same time, you have to understand that so many tiny things have to come into place for a single event to occur, and that so many of those tiny things have nothing to do with you.

It seems like the safe route these days is to go to college, get a degree, and get a job where you'll have job security until you retire. That's the safe route. But I don't want to be in college. I don't need a degree. And I don't want to have the same job for the next 40 years of my life. What I want to do is write. I want to study, and research, and know things. Make them applicable to my life, as well as yours.

See, I can study all the Physics and Astronomy I want, (and I will, until I get the nerve to go my own way) but I can't see that having an impact on the world, unless we discover fossil fuels in some cosmic location and save everyone from gas tax.

Life is a gamble, and I'm not ready to play yet.

Judge in Moderation

I found that if you judge people before you get to know them, you may be missing out on some good friends. You never know - they may be that one person who inspires you, the one person who teaches you something new, the one person who changes your life.

Then again, some people just suck. So judge in moderation and you'll be fine.

Rough Draft

Rough Draft is a band that I encountered during my trip to Orlando, Florida for the LCMS National Youth Gathering.

They are, in short, amazing. Not only do they have good lyrics and instrumentals, they have a great message. Yes, they are a Christian band, and that may turn some of you away from them, but they don't talk so much about God as they do the issues we all face as people.

Their focus deals with teen suicide, cutting, sex, drugs, alcohol and other forms of self abuse, and to top it all off, they are only 17 years old (with exception of the lead singer/guitarist, who is 16).

They're worth a listen or two.

Unconditional Love

If you have to work for something, it's not a GIFT, it's a PAYCHECK.

If you have to be good to get something at Christmas, it's not a GIFT, it's a PAYCHECK.

If you have to go to a friends birthday party in order for them to come to yours, their presence isn't a GIFT, it's a PAYCHECK.

Only God loves unconditionally.

Only God.

Theme by speaker Bob Lenz.

A Short Message

Not all Christians look down on those who don't believe what they do.

Not all black people join gangs and shoot at cops.

Not all teenagers experiment with drugs and sex.

Not all figures of authority are trustworthy.

But we are all of us people.

Truly Good People

The truly "good" people of this world carry a mark. One commonality spread among them. They are the people who do good with no reward. They neither receive or indeed have need of recognition.

I am not one of these good people.

Orwell Was An Optimist?

This, from a bumper sticker.

Why is it that people these days are so obsessed with "fighting the power" and into all these conspiracy theories? Well, I supposed there's an answer for that. But what there is no answer for is why these people feel the need to spread these beliefs, to share them.

They give us the "realities" as they would have you call them from on high, as though they themselves have been graced with some level of high understanding. As if they were better than you.

Nobody is better than you, and let nobody tell you otherwise.

C: A New Age

A New Age

A New Age was yet another attempt at letting go of my problems, which I had done so many times before... bear with the blog, these problems don't actually go away for some time. Anyway, it's just an uplift piece is all.

The questioning about music was completely random, and my guess is that I was listening to Come Back by the Foo Fighters (If you click on track 11, Come Back, it will show both lyrics and tabs) at the time. It was (and still is) one of my heavier theme songs, mainly because it sounds cool and it has a simple message that can be twisted to fit whatever interpretation you like. For me, like I said, the song heralds my intent to return to your world once I've found myself. And more importantly, I've just found that they're going to release a sixth album. HELL YEAH!

C: The Battle for Eternity

The Battle for Eternity was an idea I had back while frequenting the now dead forum, RPGE. May it rest in peace... Anyway, what it was supposed to be was a giant metaphor for the things I was experiencing in my life. I intended to keep writing on and on, but found that the idea didn't really allow for much openness.

The first section is largely about how I felt as if I had progressed in maturity far beyond my peers, which put me in a bad spot. I couldn't "turn back" on myself, on who I was just to fit in and be safe, but it was tough where I was as well. If that wasn't enough, I was "poisoned" by relationship problems - rather, the lack of them. (This was written far before the girl I'd been complaining about in the other posts entered my life.) The cure, or course, was the girl. And, in the unwritten third section (after I'd let go and moved on) I was going to reveal how the girl herself was also the poison. I just never got around to continuing.

The meaning of "the battle for eternity" carries a religious message, as all of life is a battle to reach eternal life in Heaven.

C: Fight for the Night

Fight for the Night

I was looking at the stars one night (could you tell?) and all of a sudden I was struck with a story inspiration. Rather, I was reminded of a story inspiration I'd had in Europe. Rothenburg, Germany, to be exact. If you ever get a chance to visit Germany and you don't visit Rothenburg, kill yourself. Just kidding.

But anyway, look up the Night Watchman as well. It's interesting.

So basically, I just let the muse take me and ended up with this. But I did throw in my views on dark versus light, and how one is always presumed to be good and the other bad. In China, white is the color of evil. And I am very adamant about the beauty of the night.

C: Number Games

Number Games

Tying in closely with the last, this one is more personal and of course it deals with my relationship issues. Long story short, there was a friend of mine who was good friends with her. It wasn't romantic so he wasn't really imposing upon my "domain" but things were rocky as they were and it didn't sit well with me when she paid more attention to him than me.

He's a funny guy. He's a blast to be around. He's gifted like that. And I didn't know it until recently, but at the time he was dealing with some stuff as well. I guess that goes to show that you can't judge a book by reading all but the last chapter...

I'm sorry, friend. You're one of the best.

C: Just Once, Let Me Be Somebody's Number One

Just Once, Let Me Be Somebody's Number One

I was always the number two guy. I hadn't really had a best friend since the 6th grade. I had more than one, at least. But I never really had anyone I could completely confide in. Nobody to talk to about my depression. My pain. People cared about me, yes, but I longed for that deeper intimacy. And I'm not just talking about getting a girlfriend (although, disillusioned as I was, that was the goal of this post).

Yes, I was always the number two guy. I'm ashamed to say that I made this revelation through myspace, but always was I conscious of the underlying problem - I simply hadn't quantified it yet.

Some of you will recognize the quote from The Last Samauri. See, I think too much. It's no secret. Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you the same. Half of my life has been spent learning when to think and when not to. This time I chose not to.

Keep Breathing. I don't know if this was mentioned in any of the earlier posts. I think it came from IR, but I'm not sure. Regardless, it came during the pre-production of IR and it's held true ever since, and even became the title of the short film we made. It was a movie about us trying to make IR, which was kind of a cop out, but it's something I'll keep close for the rest of my life.

Keep breathing is powerful. Many of you have seen me use it in sign offs or when you need a hand up. That's what it's for. That's what Dominism is for. No matter how bad it gets.

It's Not Working, Is It?

Well, is it? I suppose I'd have to evaluate the intent first, wouldn't I? What is the intent?

I've always claimed it was to help people. Who? Everyone? Myself?

I guess you could call me some sort of arrogant. Daring to believe that what I have to say is worth hearing. It takes a lot of sacrifice. And who am I to save the world?

Even if I could, not enough eyes see, not enough heads are turned. Not enough people care.

Patience is a virtue but after a while, don't you wonder if that train is ever going to pull into the station? If I was a realist I'd say don't wait for trains without schedules. If I was an idealist I'd say just hold on - good things are never derailed.

But I'm neither. I'm both. I'm a Dominist. But what does it mean? I started reading the first few chapters of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.'s Cat's Cradle. In the first few pages, Vonnegut begins to describe Bokononism (the name doesn't roll off the tongue well, and I'm not sure if it's a real practice or not, having read only the first few pages). He talkes about the karass, or "a group of people who, often unknowingly, are working together to do God's will." My immediate reaction was to think of Dominism as one such karass. But Vonnegut is talking about a spiritual link, and I'm talking about a very real, tangible one.

Mine deals in ideas, in foundations where his seems to deal in whims and chance. Granted, I have yet to read the book so my conclusion-jumping may end with me looking the fool, but nevertheless it allows me to more concretely see what it is that I'm trying to do.

P.S. I will not let my father ruin me.

So what are the unifying ideas? What's the point? It seems to me, upon cursory inspection, that the realm of Dominism is the haven for those who don't feel as if they belong to anything. Those who can't decide whether they're outgoing or shy. Those who make a habit of answering "it depends."

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that there is no unifying ideal. There is no main point. Dominism is simply a set of answers to all the questions wherein one of us could only previously answer "It depends on the situation."

Do people need Dominism? Do they want it? Do we care? It depends. Keep in mind that I bear no sarcasm. These are the questions we must answer, because they alone determine the future of the project.

Thanks for standing by.

Battle's Done - For Emily

He sits alone in a darkened room, tries to set the mood...
with a single lamp, and a guitar amp, he hasn't got a clue.
He's been waiting there for the muse to strike.
But he never looked inside.
Because he's writing bout a battle that's been done for years
So what's a soldier to do?

Got his hand above the paper but the words don't come
Gonna grab his gun.
To remember 'bout the days before the broadcast came
And they sent the soldiers home.
Now he's looking in the mirror but there's something wrong
He's known it all along.
It's missing pictures of the girl who saved him from himself
Where else does she belong?

Because the battle's done.
And the war is won.
And his sorrow's something new.
So he did the first thing
That he could've done
And he wrote this song for you.

And she knows everything he needs to feel at home.
Because the battle's done and the girl is won, oh oh.
And when she tells him that he'll never be alone, he knows it's happening.

And you know everything I need to feel at home.
Because my battle's done and my girl is won, say yes, if you mean it.
And if you tell me that I'll never be alone, I'll know it's happening.

They say that loneliness is like battlefield
Either choose to yield or search for something more
And that's what I found in you.

More Letters From Turtle

I post these only because they provoke thought, not because I agree 100%.

Dear God:
What do people mean when they say that "It's God's will"?
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
I don't know. I never felt the need to write one.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
What would it be like if Christ came back today?
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Joseph would write a book, Mary would do shampoo commercials and Christ would appear on Jay Leno with a film clip of his latest miracle.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
Thank you for the gift of life.
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
What gift? You know there's no such thing as a free lunch. You're paying for life every day. Pain, depression, bad weather, disappointment, sorrow, the blahs and every day you're getting older. What do you call all of that, fringe benefits?
I figured that if I just gave you life, you wouldn't appreciate it. Not that my charging you did much good. Most of you don't appreciate life anyway. You're too busy complaining about the price.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
Why do you let people grow old?
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Although I've created all of you, I often find the way you think quite puzzling. For me, the most beautiful moment on earth is old people. They are my human sunsets.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
Is sex as immoral as everyone says it is?
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
"Immoral," is an interesting word. You're going to have to accept the fact, Turtle, that there are many things in life that are "immoral." Gambling, for instance is "immoral" unless the state gets its cut. Making liquor is "immoral," unless the state taxes it. In fact, almost anything is "immoral," from walking your dog to buying cigarettes, unless the state taxes it.
Stealing is "immoral" unless it's legalized. (Talk to the American Indians about that one.)
Killing is "immoral" unless, of course, you do it in a war or you're wearing a badge. If you refuse to kill in a war, then that's "immoral."
Sex is "immoral" unless the state licenses it and the Church blesses it.
My apologies. I do have a habit of rambling. I've just realized that I've given you a pretty good answer. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with your question.
Turtle, I wanted you to see so I gave you eyes.
Signed: God

Judgement

In today's society, there is a vastly larger movement for universal acceptance. The message we seem to be spreading is that the ideal human being is not fit to judge, and therefore should not at all. It is a theory that is easily backed up by some universal "truths."

That means that it doesn't matter if you're fat, skinny, tall, short, deformed, a drug user, alcoholic, a prostitute, a murderer, black, white, brown, yellow, red, vulgar, chaste, godless, religious, evil or pure.

It's supported by the bible too. James 4:12 says "There is only one Lawgiver and one Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you - who are you to judge your neighbor?"

But we can't really live like that. Because we live in a world where there is evil and we must judge to survive. Some people do not deserve second chances. And for all of you still thinking that everyone deserves a second chance, you are forgetting that there are two worlds, two laws that we must subject ourselves to. Earthly law and Spiritual Law.

I don't know what I think about judgment. But then again I suppose there are two different kinds of judgement. Pre-emptive and reactive. And I guess it's the pre-emptive that's bad. Yeah, that makes sense.

And happy 150th blog post. :)

Go Now

It's okay to figure it out along the way.

Letters From a Guy Named Turtle

This is NOT an original work. Enjoy.

Dear God:
Why do people die?
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Most people do not die. They cease to exist. In order to die, you first have to live.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
Tomorrow is report card day. I'm hesitant to pray to you because long ago the nuns had said that in such matters as grades, God only helped those who helped themselves by studying. Oh well...please give me straight A's!
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
I'm God, not a genie. I answer questions, I don't grant wishes. Since you didn't ask a question, I've decided to go a few up on you by giving you some answers anyway.
First of all, just because someone works for me, you shouldn't believe everything they say. I've never been fussy about who I hire.
Now contrary to what some of these people might have said, I find being God a lot of fun. I'm very rich, you know. I own everything. I enjoy being alive and so I always have been.
I like to create things: Mountains, forests, oceans, people.
People are the toughest things of all to create. They're so minute and delicate. Just the wrong touch of this or that and you can ruin one of them.
Having people around makes me feel good. Mountains, forests, oceans and animals don't tell me how important I am. Well, they do, but not in as nice a way as people. Let's face it, you can't have a good time at a party when you're the only one there. I need you.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
I went to school with a kid named Norman Geltz. Norman had perfect handwriting, perfect workbook pages, perfect attendance and was a perfect pain. Most of us ignored Norman Geltz except on test days when we all wanted to be near him. Norman had, absolutely, all the answers.
Our homeroom teacher told us that if we wanted to do well in life, we should be more like Norman Geltz, and she made us feel guilty that we weren't.
Norman didn't enjoy life. I rarely saw him smile and I never saw him laugh. Norman Geltz reminds me a lot of you.
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Not surprising. All religions have worked hard to give you the impression that I'm a stiff; the kind of guy you'd never invite to a party.
Walk into a church with a friend and you find yourself using a tone of voice that you normally use only at a funeral home in front of an open casket. I could never understand why human silence is a sign of respect while the sound of a human voice, saying the usual things, is supposedly a sign of disrespect. And the most disrespectful thing that a person can do in a house of God, according to those who think they own them, is to laugh.
I like laughter and the people who do it; from the twitterers, to the chucklers to those whose laughter roars out in a gallop of explosions. To me, laughter is taking a bite out of life and saying, "Just right."
It's no accident that most of you are stuck with a dismal image of me. According to the majority of organized religions, life is nothing more than a trial where, as your judge, I determine whether you go to Heaven or Hell. Where every day is a lump in the throat that's hard to swallow. Not exactly a laughable situation.
But maybe they're wrong. Maybe, just maybe, your life isn't a trial but a sample of what's to come. Maybe I'm giving you some Heaven and Hell right here just to see which one you really prefer. Letting you choose your own eternity.
If that's the case, then many of you are choosing a Hell of frowning faces, bad moods, constant complaining, uncomfortable suspicions and rainy weekends.
And Heaven? Ah, that'll be a lot of laughs.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
I didn't go to mass last Sunday morning.
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Don't worry about it. It was a nice day. I don't know who built the church but I made the sunshine.
Signed: God

---

Dear God:
Today I went to Mr. Klakin's wake. He's a neighbor of mine. I didn't think that he led much of a life until I heard Mr. Challmers, another neighbor, talk about him.
Mr. Challmers said that Mr. Klakin never drank, ran around with other women or really made life unpleasant for anyone.
You know, I think most people are like Mr. Klakin. They lead pretty good lives. They don't do much of anything wrong.
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
I also knew someone who died recently. He, too, never drank, ran around with other women, or really made life unpleasant for anyone. Just like Mr. Klakin, he didn't do much of anything wrong either. He didn't do much of anything. He was a goldfish.
Signed: God

A Belated July 4th Message

America, some might say, is about freedom. Or democracy - they seem to be synonymous in todays society (Operation Iraqi Freedom, for example).

Let's not talk about freedom though - nobody's ever really free. And forget about government for a second. Think about it - at any given moment in time, the number of nonpolitical citizens outnumber the political citizens by probably one-thousand to one. I suppose you could say that we're all members of a democratic society, and our participation in it makes us political.

Anyway, you come to the Fourth of July and you think patriotism. But you're not celebrating patriotism, are you? How many people throughout the course of this one day stop and think about our country? Stop and think about it now. You're too late for this year, but maybe not the next.

I know what it's supposed to be about. On July 4th (arguable July 2nd) the Declaration of Independence was signed and the Colonies of America united to repress the rule of Great Britain. On that day, our nation was born. So it's a birthday of sorts.

But how can you celebrate the birthday of an inanimate object? Can America blow out the candles of its 200+ cake? Can you shower it with gifts and thanks? No. So it's more of a birthday for the rest of us, isn't it?

I have a small problem with our nation. With the emphasis we place on the 4th. It seems to me that we're celebrating an independence which the majority of us aren't even prepared to fight for. We live in such a comfortable society that you can go your entire life without giving anything to your country, yet enjoying all the benefits it has to offer.

What am I saying? You don't deserve America. And I'm not saying I do either. Like I said, we're not special for having been born here.

So what you're celebrating isn't America. How can you celebrate something you haven't earned? No, what you're celebrating is community. And it's worth it.

So don't let July 4th pass you by without meaning. Don't use it as a convenient time to quip about the War in Iraq or how our system doesn't work. Be thankful for what you have, and be thankful that nobody is trying to take it from you. Be thankful that there are thousands of young men fighting so that you can enjoy your blissful ignorance. Be thankful for America.

It's All Relative

It is a beautiful thing, that day you realize that nothing is real. Rather, that everything is real. That perspective is reality and you are in complete controll over your life.

Everything is real. Everything that is, and all that is not. All of it real. Existing, if not in the present, then in the whispers of a future time. In the mind of a child. In the words of a friend.

Worlds together, worlds apart.
There is no end in sight.
To minds the writing is the art
which helps to spark the light.

Immigration

You are not special because you were born here. You are not special becuase you moved here. You are not special.

Who are you to shut the doors? Did you build this country?

Are you worried about your job? About taxes for healthcare?

I can tell you one thing, I'd much rather have a thousand of illegal immigrants trying to provide for their families the only way they know how than have a million ungrateful American "citizens."

Pride and Excuses

What is the point of writing if you're too afraid of how it might come out?

Writing is like taking a picture. You don't stand around with a camera waiting for some grand inspiration or idea to take you. You go and you make opportunity. And maybe the shot doesn't come out alright, but you took it didn't you? And now you have something to learn from, something to look back on, something of yourself.

I stood around with my camera these past twenty days, and I took no pictures. I made no memories. I had nothing to share. And for that I am ashamed. Do I expect perfection? Can I not take a risk by writing what I think? I became fabricated. Mechanical. And I cannot promise that it won't happen again.

I could blame graduation. I could blame the existential vacuum. I could blame all hosts of things from left to right and money to time but that's not right. That's an excuse. And I will not place my pride above my will to knowledge.

I'm not the next of them. I am the first of me. And I'm back.

Not Enough Time

You don't have enough time to not care. You don't have enough time to waste on sex, drugs, and rock and roll. You don't have enough time because you want to change the world.

That's why you're here, isn't it? Because you want to change the world? If not then I must ask of you a simple question:

What are you doing?

We don't have enough time to not care. We don't have enough time to waste on sex, drugs, and rock and roll. We don't have enough time because we want to change the world.

Fear the Mask

You must never compromise your ideals, even if your motives are good. Your intent, good. Your ends, good.

The mask is an evil thing, twisting, subverting, and before you know it, it will swallow you up like a ship in a raging sea. You are the only one who will ever truly know yourself. That is something you cannot afford to risk.

Though you are one against many, you cannot play by their rules, because the game you win is not yours, but theirs. You must be strong.

Because things are never as they seem. You are never one against many. You are never alone.

Don't wait for others to believe in you. Believe in yourself and they will follow.

Only you know who you really are. Don't throw that away.

There is Another

Where does it come from? It's not always from a father to a son. Maybe it skips a generation, maybe ten, who knows? But there was a Somewhere and there was a When and you are not alone.

Are there no firsts then? Of course there are. But what are the chances that you're it? Slim. I used to think I was. But the realists says those chances are too small, and the idealist asks why does it matter? It doesn't.

But there is another! There was another... Someone I'll never know. Someone I'll never talk with. But they are there, in my past, their very actions setting the universe down a path that allows for this - my life, my breath, my words.

But then part of me says no. Do it on your own, learn from experience. And I know that they felt the same way too. But they are there.

According to biblical references and insinuations (none of which are completely trustworthy, as they are interpreted by man) we have been around on this planet for at least 6000 years or so. Scientific findings suggest otherwise, an immensely larger number. Therefore, it is safe to assume that 6000 is a minimum timeline of the life of Man.

In that time, it could have been anyone. Life expectancy today is high, but let's be forgiving. Say life expectancy stayed at a constant of 50, and a new generation happened every 25 years. 6000/25 is 240. That's 240 generations, 240 ancestors, and that's only counting the one side of the family. Double it. That's 480. And all the variables in between... it could be anybody. Say something happened every ten generations. That still leaves 48 people like you. See, we are far from alone, and somewhere they are watching, hoping that you represent them to your fullest, because they have reached the end of the world, and they know what it means.

There is, at the very least, one other.

Wear The Mask

Rebellion.

Don't do it. Rebellion causes pain and suffering. Rebellion is not retalliation, no. I'm a proponent of retaliation, because too much fear can kill you. Rebellion is simply not safe. You look at the American Revolution and think, "hey, look at all the good that came of that, right?" And then you look at the French Revolution, and I think I've said enough.

How do you know which side of the coin flip you're going to end up on?

How do I play? I play by their rules, and win their game. Because as you know, the winner chooses the game. He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Doesn't playing by their rules mean that you have to sacrifice yourself in order to do something you don't believe in?

Not to me it doesn't.

Wear the mask too long and the mask wears you, I'm told.

I don't buy it.

If you stare into the abyss too long, it stares back into you.

First of all, I don't like Nietchze (sp?), and second of all, I don't believe it.

Why not? Strength of will. Anybody with enough conviction in their own beliefs can wear any mask, look into any abyss, and come out the other end.

Play their game and win. Then you can make your changes. But when you rock the boat too much, some of your friends are going to fall out. Some of the things you love. And some of those things will never come back.

Rebellion is not retalliation, no. I'm a proponent of retaliation, because too much fear can kill you.

If a guy punches you, punch him back. It's not the Christian thing to do, but let's be honest. Do you always do the Christian thing? No. Does that make it okay? No, but you're not playing by rules established by Christians. A true Christian wouldn't punch you in the first place. Thank God we don't have many true Christians in this world. Some people deserve a fist in the face. Is it our place to make that judgement? No, but that doesn't stop them so we can't let it stop us. Do the ends justify the means? No, but we're damned to hell anyway. Does that make it okay? No, but you're not playing by rules established by Christians.

Don't fear the mask - fear that you have not the ability to stand up to it when the time comes.

Are You Excited?

High School is ending soon. In less than a month, to be exact. Do you know what that means? What it entails? I don't.

You know, people keep asking me "Are you excited?" and may or may not be taken aback by my standard reply of "About what?"

"School ending, of course!" And then their utter dissapointment - and maybe even disbelief - when I say quite simply, "No." And why should I be? Why do people my age value College so highly above High School?

I can think of a few reasons, I must admit, but none of which can warrant an emotion such as excitement. First of all, the idiots are gone. Yeah, all those kids who thought hey, I can drop out at age 16 and you sat on the sidelines cheering "Yes! YES! DO IT!" until you reached the ultimate of dissapointments. Yes, they came to the realization that, after investing 11 years in the public schooling system, they might as well finish it out. Damn. But worry not, because they won't follow you into college! That's not to say, of course, that you will completely without the occasionally challenged scholar, but any improvement is good, right?

What else? Oh, some of you are moving out, living on your own... and while I'm not moving out (for this year at least) I still can't see the excitement there. Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there Dommy. You can't see WHAT!? Bear with me. Let's look at what you get... you get away from the nagging. From the curfews. You get to be your own person, finally. Right? And I know that I sound like an arrogant prick for thinking it, but honestly, your mind is your playground. You can be anyone you want, do anything you want inside of your own mind. Now I understand that that's not enough for some people, but let's keep in mind who's writing the blog why don't we. I've been blessed with a (for the most part) happy household, and I know that some of you aren't so lucky. Don't take offense to my opinions, because that's all they are, is opinions. They only become something more when you let them.

Am I excited? No. But I guess I'm just not that excitable. Awards don't excite me. You know, those ones I've dedicated my entire life to earning? They don't excite me. I like to have them, I'd feel bad not getting them, but do they excite me? No.

I don't really have a point that I'm reaching towards right now... just some thoughts.

Someone Once Told Me...

Someone once told me to cheer up.

So I did. It took a while, but I did. I got involved, I started living. I looked forward and not behind. I let the wisps of hope surround me in a raging cloud of determination.

Someone once told me that I was going to change the world.

So I will. I'll start small, but I won't stop there. I can't, because my someone is no liar. I won't let that name fall upon him.

Someone once told me to move on.

He told me not to let the past bog me down. Because he and I can only keep moving. In the end, that's all we can do.

Someone once told me that everything would be alright.

Because I'm able to figure things out for myself. No matter how hard, I'll have to figure them out. Because death is not my only option, and a road to a friend's house is never long.

Someone once told me things that I didn't want to tell myself.

Because that's what friends are for.

Someone once told me to do this.

Because that is my destiny.

And then Someone stopped telling me things altogether.

But I will always remember the Road Warrior. The man who helped save my life. I will always remember, and I will wait for his return. It's only a matter of time, and I can be patient.

The First Of Me - Hoobastank

The unofficial Dominism theme song.

I must make a choice
A tough decision
Listen to my voice
[Or] should I give in
To temptation, admiration
One leads to myself
The other someone else
Just an empty shell
Just an empty shell

It's harder than it seems
When you're told that
All your hopes and dreams
Are yours to hold if
You just give them
What's expected
Something they can sell
Put upon a shelf
But I am not for sale
I am not for sale

I hear a voice inside
It's growning to a scream
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me
'cause I can't live the lie
I am just what you see
I'm not the next of them
I am the first of me

If I can't refuse
The prize they offer
I am sure to lose
And I will suffer
Sell my soul to make a profit
All I have to do
Is make believe it's true
That something I can't do
That something I can't do

So when the waiting's gone
This time to face the truth
You know your good enough
Deep down inside of you

You're finally woken up
If only just to prove
You were born to lead the way
And be the first of you

C: Too Deep (I'm Drowning)

Too Deep (I'm Drowning)

I've been avoiding this for far too long... I figure if I'm ever going to get anywhere with this commentary project I might as well just suck it up and push through.

Anyway, like I said in C: And as for Deserving I Will Speak No More,

Maybe my constant analyzation of every action I see condemns me to find the faults of people everywhere.

It's a curse. Read the post, you can see. I see everything. Such a powerful statement. Now, critics will obviously shout out the fact that it is impossible for me to see everything. Okay, okay. That's nice. Way to dodge the issue Rumsfeld.

No, it's not a curse... it's a gift. No, it's a curse. A gift! CURSE? It is what you allow it to be. Of late I've decided that I don't have time to be cursed. I've got better things to do. And in that, I've found the gift of it. Helping people. Talking to people. Talking with people. Changing lives. Because you know, if I'm a hero to one I'm a hero to all... (Heroics)

This post, Too Deep... it is too deep. It's so deep that I think I can confidently say that most people don't get it. Won't get it. But I assure you, every word written therein is written within a solidarity of truth.

Self-righteous is how you could describe me I guess. To actually deal with and acknowledge judgement? Most would rather deny that they do it, deny that it actually exists. And to have the audacity to say that I do it for them?

Yes, I agree. It is a bit self-righteous. Is that wrong if I'm right? Am I right? That's for you to decide.

Actually, this blog wasn't written, it was spoken. It was spoken by me to three friends, and it brought me to tears because it all finally clicked. Never before had I understood so well.

AND THAT MARKED THE TURNING POINT IN MY LIFE.

The two quotes at the bottom were written for IR, the movie script that a friend and I wrote together, as are many small quips scattered around this blog. I don't remember if I ever mentioned that before.

The second quote depresses me. Death is not a flaw, it is a gift. Death can only be a flaw if it tore us away from perfection.

Dear Myspace

I hate you. But I'm sure you know. You know everything, don't you? Everyone has you. Everyone loves you... I hate you.

You've taken my friends. Some of them love you more than they love me. I LOSE THEM.

You've taken my time. My time is a valuable commodity, and should not be wasted. I BLOG NOW.

You've become an aid and an asset to sex offenders, pedophiles, and stalkers. I LOCK MY DOORS.

You've shown me the truth - that people are shallow, that they love only attention. I HURT.

You've taught to me the true meaning of drama. I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE.

You've told me that without you, I am nothing. Without you, my friends won't talk to me. I HURT.

You've segregated, alienated, and delivered lies. I HATE YOU.

The Message

The idea.

It marks the beginning. It marks the end. The beginning of an end, the end of a beginning. A continuum of stops and gos, nows and thens. The is, was, and will be. The message that must be delivered.

It is the goal. The light at the end of the tunnel. The gold at the end of the rainbow. The paycheck at the end of the week. The trophy at the end of the game. The party at the end of the year. The feel of the earth at the mooring of the ship. The touch of familiar lips upon your return. The message that must be delivered.

It is the hammer that drives the nail. It is the house there made and the meetings held within. The people gathered in the hall, the leader standing there addressing them all. The message that must be delivered.

It is the sword, the boots, the helmet, the shield. The captains, formations, armies driven to defense solely by

an idea.

Heroics

If I'm a hero to one, I'm a hero to all.

Because it's not about saving the world. No, it's about saving people. One at a time. Slowly. Surely. Because eventually the world will be saved, but I don't care for the world. The world is a sick, twisted, evil place. And true, there are individuals in it who need help. Individuals who are just as sick and twisted as that world which spawned them, but the best way I can help is create others who can help.

If we're heroes to one, we're heroes to all.

A Dominym

For all the intellectuals
to you I've naught to say
Because you've chosen dominance
This game you chose to play

To all you simple soldiers
I thank you from my heart
For I of few can realize
How complex soldiers art

To writers, lovers, artists
I've got something to prove
Expressing all my gratitude
for cutting through the groove

And those of you who read my words
I only can begin
By reading this you've shown me how
This blog is full of win

I

It is the ninth letter of the alphabet.
And you know, there must be adaptation
If one hopes to earn salvation
In this, our God's creation.

For your survival,
I beg you, change your attitude.
Take the time to smile
Because it's about life.

I

There is no I in truth. There is one in a lie.
None in knowledge, but in ignorance it sleeps.

There are two in Dominism.

I don't know what that means.

Be careful with your I. Guard it. Defend it. Uphold it.

But NEVER

Never let your I become you. Because alone, I die.

Should We Care?

Do you care what people think of you? Do I? Should we?

These questions are asked of us day in and day out. Not by any political poll, not by our schools, our churches, our family or friends. By ourselves. We ask ourselves this question because it is such a crucial one to know the answer to. From this answer stems the basics upon which we build our interactions with the world around us.

Do we worry? Do we assert ourselves? Do we let life pass us by in a morbid state of apathy?

These are the decisions we have to make as people. People in a society of other people in a society of people. And everything you do, every action you take affects that chain of events, until at long last it comes around to you.

Now, there's no way of knowing when these actions either backfire or pay off, but one can do far more good by assuming that their actions will come back around than he who doesn't care.

So, do I care what people think of me?

Depends on what they think. But to be serious, yes. I do care. And I'm not ashamed about it. I find nothing wrong with the caring. Where the problems start is when people begin to let it affect them, change them, destroy them.

Part of it is curiosity. Part of me wants to know how I come off. What I look like. Imagine a world without mirrors. A world where you could never see your own face. That's what it'd be like if nobody cared what people thought of them. The opinions of the people around us are what act as a check against untamed agression. Okay, maybe not agression. But you get my point. A society built on expectation helps to keep order. (Let's not delve into the cons of an expectant society now... that's another story entirely).

The other part, the important part, is that I just might find that what others think of me - no matter how right or wrong it may seem at the time - to be far more helpful than anything I can muster within myself.

YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING and neither do I.

Always Two, Never More

I was talking with a friend recently, helping him with a few issues. I told him that his happiness should be his number one priority. Not because I like breeding an army of self-centered citizens, marching off to destroy the world. It's because I'm a firm believer in the idea tha tyou must secure your own airmask before assisting others. Do I think that this breeds arrogance and contempt in others? In some cases. But as much as it seems like that would fuel a non-beneficial race to achieving a legacy, I think it will actually discourage the notion.

How? you might ask yourself. How can a person focusing solely on themselves not become arrogant and self-centered?

There are two circles of existance. Always two, never more. One is the circle of individuality - the other of society, community, whatever you'd like to call it.

By reinforcing one, you reinforce the other. They do not share an inverse relationship. By increasing your knowledge of yourself, you increase your capacity - not your level - of understanding about others.

There is no shame in putting on your airmask first. BUT IF YOU DO IT WRONG, everyone dies.

Legacy

How do I want to be remembered after I'm gone?
How do I want to be remembered while I'm still here?
Do I want to be remembered at all?

There's something about the thought of a legacy that unnerves me. Something about it just doesn't sit well in my mind.

It's not the idea of it, no. I've no problem with living on in the memories of others, or leaving myself behind to be found by some unsuspecting traveller. But it's not my goal in life to achieve hat immortality. I just want to help people.

The idea of attaining a legacy is all too often abused. All too often the focus is placed on the legacy itself - achieving it, knowing it, feeling it. This is wrong. The legacy should never be about the legacy - its about what you can use that legacy for.

What's in a Name?

Some people call me Matthew. I don't know why. Well, I know why. It is my legal name. But I'm still a bit taken aback when I hear it used. It doesn't bother me - call me what you will, I will always be Me. But Matthew? It's so formal. Isn't it? There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not one to parade about in suits all day. I don't know

Some people call me Matt. That's my name. My name name, the one people use. It's kind of short and to the point... only four letters. But hey, that's all I need. It's also fairly brusque... it's got sharp edges everywhere. Sharp like my wit. I hope that doesn't drive people away. But I can't be bothered if it does...

Matt Lund! They say that's my full name, but it's not. It's full enough for them. Doesn't take much of Matt Lund to overfill that cup. Oddly... this name is more used and heard than Matt by itself. That's because this one is stranger friendly. Anybody can get away with using the Full Name Clause. It amuses me when people I barely know use my full name. It's like they want to be in on some grand joke somewhere, and I'm it. Which, while shallow, is kind of neat.

Now, my name in Hebrew or Greek or something of that nature means "Gift of God." Obviously God didn't part the clouds on the day of my birth and say "hey, world. Check this kid out!" But he did make me... so there's that.

A very few people call me ML10. It's simple. It's an abbreviated form of "Matt Lund + 10," which means... nothing really. It's just a way we say we're cool. Or powerful. Or... yeah, that's pretty much it. After performing my MLK speech (Identity) a friend decided that MLK stood for Matt Lund 1000. That's apparently my power level, and while it's not quite over nine thousand, it's pretty good.

Some people call me Dom. Dommy. Dominic.

And this is my way to wrap up this piece. Poorly, and without conclusion.

Empire Earth?

They say I can't do it. They say it's impossible. They say I'm out of my head.

But then I spring my trap.

You see, by thinking that I cannot achieve my goal, fulfill my dreams, they have essentially revealed themselves for who they truly are. Their programmed responses. Their lies. How can they strike down a dream that isn't even fully recalled? A dream that isn't fully formed?

It shows us who they realy are. Murderers of an idea. Slaughterers of change (AND redefinition). They have their world how they like it - when, where, and how they like it. So naturally, any "threat" to this empire must be discouraged, destroyed - but not violently, oh no. With violence and oppression comes rebellion, and despite their colossal claims, there is no organization fit to squelch the might of the masses.

No, not violence - simple subversion. Simple to the point where the slightest detection of it seems to extend beyond comprehension. Some of us call that hegemony. Some of us call it manipulation. The name doesn't matter - what matters is that everything in this life be it light and dark, right and wrong, or weak and strong - must have an equal and opposite side battling it, and as of yet I have not seen any unified effort to fight this empire earth.

But that is my goal. That is the goal of the Dominists. And if you're one of us, if you're with me, we need to do something about it. Because we can achieve. It's not impossible. And we're not out of our heads.

We are the past, the present, and the future. And it is time.