Letters From a Guy Named Turtle

This is NOT an original work. Enjoy.

Dear God:
Why do people die?
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Most people do not die. They cease to exist. In order to die, you first have to live.
Signed: God

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Dear God:
Tomorrow is report card day. I'm hesitant to pray to you because long ago the nuns had said that in such matters as grades, God only helped those who helped themselves by studying. Oh well...please give me straight A's!
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
I'm God, not a genie. I answer questions, I don't grant wishes. Since you didn't ask a question, I've decided to go a few up on you by giving you some answers anyway.
First of all, just because someone works for me, you shouldn't believe everything they say. I've never been fussy about who I hire.
Now contrary to what some of these people might have said, I find being God a lot of fun. I'm very rich, you know. I own everything. I enjoy being alive and so I always have been.
I like to create things: Mountains, forests, oceans, people.
People are the toughest things of all to create. They're so minute and delicate. Just the wrong touch of this or that and you can ruin one of them.
Having people around makes me feel good. Mountains, forests, oceans and animals don't tell me how important I am. Well, they do, but not in as nice a way as people. Let's face it, you can't have a good time at a party when you're the only one there. I need you.
Signed: God

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Dear God:
I went to school with a kid named Norman Geltz. Norman had perfect handwriting, perfect workbook pages, perfect attendance and was a perfect pain. Most of us ignored Norman Geltz except on test days when we all wanted to be near him. Norman had, absolutely, all the answers.
Our homeroom teacher told us that if we wanted to do well in life, we should be more like Norman Geltz, and she made us feel guilty that we weren't.
Norman didn't enjoy life. I rarely saw him smile and I never saw him laugh. Norman Geltz reminds me a lot of you.
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Not surprising. All religions have worked hard to give you the impression that I'm a stiff; the kind of guy you'd never invite to a party.
Walk into a church with a friend and you find yourself using a tone of voice that you normally use only at a funeral home in front of an open casket. I could never understand why human silence is a sign of respect while the sound of a human voice, saying the usual things, is supposedly a sign of disrespect. And the most disrespectful thing that a person can do in a house of God, according to those who think they own them, is to laugh.
I like laughter and the people who do it; from the twitterers, to the chucklers to those whose laughter roars out in a gallop of explosions. To me, laughter is taking a bite out of life and saying, "Just right."
It's no accident that most of you are stuck with a dismal image of me. According to the majority of organized religions, life is nothing more than a trial where, as your judge, I determine whether you go to Heaven or Hell. Where every day is a lump in the throat that's hard to swallow. Not exactly a laughable situation.
But maybe they're wrong. Maybe, just maybe, your life isn't a trial but a sample of what's to come. Maybe I'm giving you some Heaven and Hell right here just to see which one you really prefer. Letting you choose your own eternity.
If that's the case, then many of you are choosing a Hell of frowning faces, bad moods, constant complaining, uncomfortable suspicions and rainy weekends.
And Heaven? Ah, that'll be a lot of laughs.
Signed: God

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Dear God:
I didn't go to mass last Sunday morning.
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
Don't worry about it. It was a nice day. I don't know who built the church but I made the sunshine.
Signed: God

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Dear God:
Today I went to Mr. Klakin's wake. He's a neighbor of mine. I didn't think that he led much of a life until I heard Mr. Challmers, another neighbor, talk about him.
Mr. Challmers said that Mr. Klakin never drank, ran around with other women or really made life unpleasant for anyone.
You know, I think most people are like Mr. Klakin. They lead pretty good lives. They don't do much of anything wrong.
Signed: Turtle

Turtle:
I also knew someone who died recently. He, too, never drank, ran around with other women, or really made life unpleasant for anyone. Just like Mr. Klakin, he didn't do much of anything wrong either. He didn't do much of anything. He was a goldfish.
Signed: God