Here I Am

I should be in bed
or reading a book
but here I am
writing

I should be studying
or planning my life
but here I am
writing

I should be like them
start looking ahead
but here I am
writing

I should be involved
try getting a life
but here I am
writing

I should be alive
it seems that I am
for here I am
writing

Pleasure Novels

I was flipping through a Jack McDevitt novel yesterday (Moonfall) and a friend of mine asked what I was reading. I showed him the front cover and he kind of chuckled.

"Pleasure novel?" he asked. It kinda pissed me off. A) because Jack McDevitt is so much more, and B) because the concept of a "pleasure novel" exists in the first place.

Is it a pleasure novel because it doesn't teach us anything about life? Because it doesn't have some societal or philosophical standpoint on which we can base our entire existence? Because it doesn't confront issues of race, gender, or class?

Don't you think that scholars find pleasure in unmasking those messages?

OH SNAP

I Don't Necessarily Agree

People say this all the time at school. They did at high school too. I never thought much about it. But look at it from this point of view:

Professor: So, you think X?

Student: Well, I don't necessarily agree, but I think it's an interesting way to look at Y.

P: You don't necessarily agree, but you don't disagree.

S: No...

P: Then why are you afraid to defend your point of view?

S: Because it's not mine.

P: Because somebody else came up with it, so you don't have to put yourself out there?

S: I don't want to take a stand until I've thought it out carefully.

P: Why not?

S: Because I could be wrong.

P: And then what?

S: ...

P: You can take a stand, be wrong, and change your mind. It's part of the learning process.

S: These issues do not share a binary relationship. Neither allows you to learn better. If I preface something with "I don't necessarily agree," it's because I'm open to interpretations and other points of view.

INCONCLUSIVE POST

Belief

I'm thinking about belief, and more specifically, religion - but only insofar as it applies to the notion of belief in itself.

Belief is a strange thing because, simply, it defies the logic of reality, the laws of physics, and the concepts more than generally agreed upon concerning philosophy and psychology. All of this applies for the most part because belief is a thing of the mind.

If I were to tell you that I didn't believe in gravity, that I thought that a holding god was reaching out from the center of the earth and holding us down, it would be a true statement. Not because the holding god exists, but because I would believe it. It is fact. I believe X. Theoretically anything is possible. I can believe that I am from Mars. I can believe that you are from Mars. I can believe that we are on Mars. All true statements.

So, considering the overwhelming possibilities of belief, it's no surprise that there is a plethora of religions, mentalities, and philosophies. And the question is no what are your beliefs, but why do you have them?

Why am I a Christian? An atheist might suggest that I was raised to be a Christian, and that no reason exceeds that one alone. It's plausible. I've heard the argument against the more fundamentalist religious that they would not believe what they do now if they were born in Africa, and if they did, they would lack common sense. I see their point, and I've often asked that very question of myself. If I was born in Africa, would I think about life the way I do now? Probably not. Would I be a Christian? Probably not.

But I wasn't born in Africa. And that's the key. That's what I'm trying to say. Life isn't about us choosing what we believe in - it's about realizing it. Like a program working its way through this crazy world. But if belief is such a trivial thing, then what's the point of believing in anything?

Well, I figure that somewhere out there is the ultimate set of beliefs. The one that will lead you to perfection. And I guess you want to match that set as closely as you can.

So I'm a Christian, and I think that those values bring me closer and closer to that perfect set. That's my opinion. And if I was raised in Africa, I guess I'd be finding my way to that set in a different way. But I don't think any of us have it just yet. I think the ones who will be rewarded are the ones who try, who genuinely go out of their way to be the best person they can possibly be.

I know that clashes with traditional Christian viewpoints of "believe in Christ of you'll go to hell," but I can't help but think that it's more about being like Jesus than anything else. Some cite "I am the way, the truth, and the life. Noone comes to the father except through me," as a passage that refers to Christianity and it's path to Heaven. Well, I would argue (and Rob Bell would agree) that this passage doesn't refer to a religion, but a way of living life. Living like Christ, perfectly, as we were meant to be before the fall.

That's what I believe in.

What do you believe in?

Physicality versus Emotionality

I ride the bus to school every day.

Not a strange statement in itself, but considering the fact that I am in college, and it is the universal desire for all college bound students to liberate themselves from the unreasonable clutches of parental authority, you might say this is at least a bit strange.

But I'm not here to talk about commuting to college every day. I am here to talk about the bus.

If you were to divide the bus into three parts (front, middle, back), you would want to be in the middle. That's because only here are there what I would call traditional seats. You know, two by two, facing forwards, window seats and the like. Now, I don't mind sitting sideways from time to time (which is how the front and back are oriented), but I'm just saying that the middle is the place to be.

Now, I'm sure we as Americans all know that if there is an empty seat available, regardless of orientation, you will take it as opposed to sitting next to a stranger. It's common courtesy, an acknowledgment of the eternal "bubble" as we like to call it. No problems.

But occasionally, there is no option but to sit by someone. And that's no big deal either. Usually my girlfriend is with me, so this isn't relevant. But today, she wasn't. And today, it was.

I've always pondered social bus situations. I don't know why, unless it's just a compulsive habit of analyzing. Which I'm fine with. But think about this: If there are 10 half filled seats, and one more person to sit down, then only one of those ten original seatees will be selected for the ride. Selected. Like it's a popularity contest. Selected how? How does one decide?

Personally, I try not to sit with women not-my-girlfriend. As little pressure as it may put on them having a strange man sitting next to them, I don't do it. It's subtleties. It moves from there, then, to the physical condition of the guy I'll be stuck with for an hour. If he looks unkept, he probably is. I'm not ashamed that I'd rather sit next to someone more inviting. But other than that, I don't really think about it.

Until it's the other way around.

I find myself caring what people think of me, yet I want to retain my privacy (and arm space). it's a lose lose situation. If I'm one of the ten and I'm left to myself after #11 sits down, I can't help buy wonder why I failed some imaginary test of compatibility. Do I smell bad? Are my clothes dirty?

Stupid, unreasonable questions. But there they are. Personally, I'd chalk it up to my uninviting appearance, a technique perfected through years of depression and sought-after solitude. But, if someone sits by me, I lose a bit of my freedom.

Someone sat by me today. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but it happened and I feel one-hundredth of a percent better. It's not really a big deal. None of it is. These are just the workings of an idle mind.

But still, it makes you wonder... do we always sacrifice physical comfort for emotional comfort? What's the percentage on that?

That's what I want to know.