That's No Way to Run a Ship

There is little more embarassing than asking for help. Nothing worse than needing it. And most humbling of all, wanting it.

Because to admit that you need help is so much more than what first glances reveal. You must first admit what you cannot do, and in doing so, reveal your own weaknesses to the world. Even now I feel the churning feeling I get when I know I can't do something alone. And it's such a simple, stupid thing too. And I hate that I can see myself change, feel the sarcasm take over in a last ditch attempt at maintaining some sort of honor. And when I feel myself begin to hurt those close to me, I know it's time to stop.

Then again, on the opposite side of the spectrum we should be honored all the more when we're not asked for help. When someone purposefully avoids our aid in order to save their self image. It means respect. It means above all they fear to let their weaknesses known to you, because they care how you think of them.

But that's no way to function. That's no way to run a ship. You can't sidestep around everyone, constantly afraid of what they think and feel. How would you feel if they did the same? You have to trust that they're there for you and that they love you no matter what. And that is harder yet than anything in the world.

So I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry for everything. I hope you can understand it's because I love you and I care what you think about me.